growing together

rallying

2012-02-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

The week after the snow day weigh-in I was down another 3.2 lbs for a total loss of 6.4 lbs! not bad for 3 weeks :)

Then, the next week, I was showing NO loss :( I was sooo disappointed, but realized that I HAD to rally and stick with it or I would be wasting this opportunity of losing for free on the plan. So I did. I upped my water intake. Made sure I was eating Greek yogurt every day and drinking milk when I needed a little boost. I also tried to have milk instead of cream in my coffees and even drank black coffee a few times. On Wednesday (I weigh in on Tuesdays) I was SOOOO hungry and I thought, I bet the weight is falling off me today! and i weighed myself at home and I was 5 pounds lighter than I had been at the meeting!! So I kept up my motivation for the rest of the week, including the weekend ;)

And so, my hard work paid off and I had a very successful weigh in today: Current Weight: 183 lbs. Total Loss: -10.4. Goal: 155 lbs. 28 lbs to go! Reached 5% LOST Goal today!

So I have lost 1/4 of what I hope to lose so I have 3/4 to go! It is nice to think that 10 lbs is gone FOREVER!

I have had a hard time this time around feeling excited. I get excited when I actually write it down, but I don't really feel like losing 10 lbs is that great since I was at 188 a few months ago, I went down to 183 lbs but then I went up instead of continuing down. I guess I feel like I haven't even started from where I left off, like really I've only lost 5 lbs. But I guess, even 5 lbs is good, when its REALLY gone ;) not just a fluctuation in the day. I don't want to lose momentum, so I'm doing alot of positive self-talk like: 10 POUNDS are gone! TEN! That's really great! Your clothes will be looser soon (although I'm still wearing yoga pants and maternity panel pants because of my hernias)! You are loving eating so healthfully and can still have tasty snacks or treats here and there but mostly, you just feel healthy!

Anyway, thats how my brain works :) so I'm happy to have reached my first goal of 5% loss, plus a 10 lb loss, and now i'm working on my 10% loss goal of 19 lbs. Maybe by the end of February?

snow days

2012-01-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

My second weigh-in was pre-empted by a snow day! I was disappointed as I was really looking forward to seeing how my week went, as per the scale. I started to feel a bit down about it and then thought, "No, I've GOT to rally and keep my efforts up! I've only got 3 months free and THIS IS IT! I'm gonna do it!"

So, I kept on track, for the most part. I think I had a few cookies that weren't quite on plan, but other than that, I have been making good choices and eating within my points.

I was starting to feel that I was overdoing it as far as stepping on my home scale, so I really tried to cut back. Then after missing the meeting this week, I noticed some changes in how I've been looking so I decided I'd let myself weigh-in at home and I was very happy by the results. I went to my Wii to weigh-in there and celebrated with the kids telling them that I've been making healthy choices lately and its working to help me get to where I should be (they always come running when they hear the Wii Fit music start up).

I am really liking this new program, I definitely find myself going to get more fruit or a carrot when I feel a little munchy. There is a meeting tomorrow night that I am going to try to attend (unless it gets snowed out too), so hopefully I'll have my official results from week 2 soon!

The kids went to school today for the first time all week but it was a hassle especially bringing the baby into the -11 weather and wind! Poor boy :( He also has an ear infection so I brought him to the doc for a prescription this morning too. Silly kid was screaming from pain last night, and now he seems to like that sound and is just doing it for attention! gotta go

one last hurrah

2012-01-10T12:21:00.000-08:00

I rejoined Weight Watchers to take advantage of being a lifetime Member since 2005 and using 3 months free to drop my baby weight.

After joining last Thursday evening, I was a little disheartened because I could only stay for 15 minutes of the meeting and I was really hoping for a little "rah-rah" to pump me up for the week ahead. I set my mind to it, that I would just do a great job and give it a good go. Day 1 I over ate by 35 points and then the next day, I over ate by 18 points, then I managed to get things under control for the next few days.

At the meeting this morning (I decided I could only make this work for me if I switched to a morning meeting), I had lost 3.2 lbs! I was honestly expecting it to be twice that as the first week is usually pretty high for me, but it hasn't even been a week so whatever, I'm still very happy with that amount (obviously! down is down.).

Anyway, I hope to be able to have great success this time around. The program has changed again but I believe its a good plan and the things I've noticed are that they are encouraging you to eat a reasonable but unlimited amount of fruit and vegs and putting the focus on making healthy choices rather than just going for the lowest calories. They are moving away from calories and now include carbohydrates and protein, along with fat and fiber in their new calculations (which mean my free "point count" app is no good anymore).

I have had a few challenges already with the new plan because they want you to use their e-tools website, which would include an iPhone app, but since I'm a Lifetime member (which means I don't pay), its a bit tricky. I'm waiting to hear back from them to see if I can get the program free for 3 months (as I'm entitled to).

i had a great labour & delivery!

2011-07-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

you can read the details here if you are interested :)

http://thesalmons.blogspot.com/2011/07/bennetts-birth-story.html

pain in the horizon

2011-06-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

well, its happened. its about to happen again. I am pregnant. My fourth time being pregnant. and Labour and Delivery are coming up very soon.

With all my struggles with weight, I began this pregnancy after going to the gym or exercising from about March to October. One week after finding out I was pregnant, I re-herniated my bellybutton, while using a body ball, lying on my stomach on it...GRRRR I was very very disappointed. It was quite painful and I stopped exercising then and have pretty much had a very low-exercise pregnancy. I was very sick during the first several months of this pregnancy. Finally, with maybe, ten or 8 weeks left, I started to feel better. To feel good. I have a big baby belly, but I had a positive mind and bursts of energy. I think the clear mind was really what did me good and continues to give me energy to enjoy my family and the last time being pregnant.

As far as the weight gain has gone, its been amazing. I lost 5 lbs having the flu early on in the pregnancy, and have since only gained 19 lbs from my start weight (which was very high for me), with only 4 to 5 weeks left in this pregnancy! I am really thankful about that.

I'm starting to get a little scared about labour now. It could happen "anytime" but the last 2 pregnancies have continued well past the due date, so I have to prepare myself that that will happen again.

My main thought lately is that I HAVE to avoid oxytocin at all costs. My last labour was so painful and rushed and I had serious neck and back pain that needed actual physio and chiropractic work for months after. So again, I am hoping to stay off of the IV, stay off of the bed, keep moving around as much as possible, and let this baby come when ready.

I get my Group B Strep test done on Monday, so that will let me know if I need antibiotics. I also have some fears about going "late" in the pregnancy, because I think every baby I've had has had meconium in the amniotic fluid. This can be caused by a particular stressful day on the baby, or because I deliver so late. But why would my body not evict the baby if it was the right time? Then they have to ingest some of this dirty fluid which leads to some of the respiratory and lung issues all of my kids have had...? it makes me sad that my body doesn't keep things more scheduled or healthy but I have no choice! There could be meconium in there now, with 4 or 5 weeks left! And obviously nothing I can do about that!

I am also very thankful for taking the time to go to the gym before getting pregnant. I think it is for that reason that my belly is not protruding quite as far out from my body as the last 2 pregnancies. It seems to be more contained, and I can actually flex my lower abs to bring my belly up a little. Hopefully that will help this labour to progress better as the baby seems to be in a better position, over my cervix rather than right outside my body like the last 2!

Its pretty crazy/interesting to have had 4 pregnancies and now to be heading to my fourth delivery! I jest and say that I've been through so many different scenarios that this time I wouldn't be surprised if I had a C-section! Of course, I don't actually want one, and that's also part of why I want to be wiser this time:

Don't put so much work into "getting labour going" by walking and exhausting myself.
Rest. Sleep if I can.
Stay away from the hospital until I'm actually in labour. The last 2 times, I had induction appointments set, but by trying to make labour happen, I wore myself out and they admitted me early. I really don't want to do that again.

I keep thinking of my first labour. I was at home. Got sick. Got a bad contraction that made me yelp and cry it was so painful. Then, after a bit of that, went into the hospital. I was only 2 days overdue. The nurse broke my water (without my, or my Doc's permission which is apparently a "no-no") and it did send me into proper labour, where I delivered 8 hours later. I had only the gas and Demerol (which they don't give anymore) which is considered to be a "drug-free" labour because neither of those things actually helped relieve pain for me. And she was posterior, sunny-side up.

So that is giving me some confidence that I can have a "natural" labour, without chemical induction. I just need to stay strong. Stay positive. And get some more rest!! I have 3 little kids! ;D

creativity and reality

2010-08-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

i am a very creative person.

i need to keep so many things bottled up because i dont have the time or energy to do some things.

i know that this natural creative gifting or innate creativity is part of being made in God's image. its quite an honour to be given thoughts and passions and knowing that there is a pure form or a pure outlet to share them.

i believe that when my creativity is able to seep out into my life, then a good party is thrown, or a nicely crafted item will be made, or a cake is beautifully decorated, a plate of ordinary dinner is presented in a way to make it look most appealing, or i take the time to make myself look like a work of art.

its been so great to be able to be present with the children and to be silly or read them a fantastically narrated story or experience life. this is the life i wanted to live. i didnt have a plan, it was more a sense.

i absolutely delight in watching my daughter make a big plan, with so many small details, of how she wants to share activities and God with her friends. i wish it wasnt difficult to get a clean house ready to host her ideas...i dont want to let her plans die. they are special to her and they are delightful to watch. she is such a caring, inclusive, detailed girl.

Thank you God for such an amazing experience of raising children to know you. what an honour. what a journey back to innocence.

if all was stripped away

2010-06-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

I keep having these strange thoughts:
If everything was stripped away, no more hustle bustle, no more cars driving too fast to pass me just so we can all stop at the next stoplight. All these goals, that we put on ourselves that are just culturally influenced ideals, might be worth reconsidering as they are quite likely not goals of any eternal significance.

If there was no rushing. No stressing over how I look or how I feel or how much my shoulders or foot hurt, what would I be filling my mind with?

I keep seeing things in my life that are so obviously the result from thoughts of low self-worth I've had from the past. Not necessarily the way I think about myself now. Like wanting people to think I'm smart even though I didn't go to college after my first year. I didn't flunk out. i had good grades. I just stopped going and decided I'd go with the "school of life" instead of actual professional training. And it was a great deal because of a boy. And then my mother offered to pay for me to go to university but because of the budding romance with my husband-to-be, I also passed on that one.

Being someone who had good grades, has just made me someone who "gets" things quickly, understands the way to play a new complicated board game (as some friends of mine kept remarking--"you really DO get it. that was fast") or makes me an overachiever as a mother. I am a woman who really wants to do the best all the time (but I give myself alot of slack, as in, I have lots of downtime for the kids so they are interacting with each other or spending time doing their own thing...some days I remember I "should" read to them, so I do, other days I don't). I talk to my kids ALOT. we talk about everything. any little question they have, anything we see in the world that looks interesting or might teach them about our life's purpose and meaning, we talk about. at 3 and 5 years old, we have so many fascinating discussions that remind me how amazingly intelligent and perceptive children are. taking time to slow my life down has absolutely given me a window into the mind of the child. and there are so many truths about God that have come from seeing a pure and innocent observation of the world and of the Creator. i am doing exactly what I should be doing.

i have also developed what i now label as being a "promoter" of things. anything i like, i promote. it was fun for me to promote various community things like moms groups or Bible studies or play centers or toys or the best deal at wherever. i cannot seem to help it, i just have to spread the word if i like something. i don't make any money doing that, i just do it.

if i had no car, and there were no paved roads, and we lived on acreage with neighbours far off, i would probably be the promoter of the local church, and teach kids Sunday school and promote God and the Bible and talk about the greatest jelly recipe ever with other moms.

i guess, in a way, in my attempt to simplify my life, i don't go to all the things i used to go to. I'm slower to jump on a bandwagon. I'm a little more careful to promote or offer help with the church website or programs unless i can still be a good mom by saving my energy for them and not using it all trying to do computer work.

living more simply has been such a great decision for me. even fitting in exercise as a fundamental part of my day, is teaching me that having a fresh mind from exercising, and a strong heart and being able to experience moments with a slightly fitter body (playing soccer, or running along while Ezekiel bikes, running up and down the stairs to get something) is part of who I am and want to be. and that who I am and want to continue to be is important to me and to my children.

I am also trying to experience moments. good or bad. and not run to food for comfort. this is a lesson i am only beginning. and i can see how intertwined my body, eating and emotions are. also, being mindful of the present situation is helpful, it reminds me to rely on God for dealing with my anger and for not yelling. i had 3 weeks where i felt i had conquered yelling, but when I stop praying about it, it comes right back. it is the way our family has learned to communicate and it is not okay. I am working on putting an end to it. "We don't yell in this family." Working on it!

what am i doing?

2010-04-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

i cant help but feel like a failure whenever i happen to get a moment to check on my blog...its not that i feel like a failure everyday, but since i was inspired to blog about my weight-loss journey, a journey that feels more like i'm trapped in a car and driving around and around a 3 or 4 lane round-a-bout (is that a scene from National Lampoons Family Vacation??). sigh. i guess thats just "where i am".

but really, i have been working out on the wii fit lately. i was feeling really good about it. but not seeing any "weight loss" but feeling better and feeling sore muscles (its been awhile since i've pushed myself enough to be sore!). so i guess i'm proud of myself for doing that.

then i got the flu. so that put me off exercising for 3 days.

I feel like God is holding the key to my weight loss and I am not asking for it to open the door. Like He knows what I need to be successful, to eat better, to make better decisions, to not eat when i'm lonely or sad or get a moment alone (in a good way).

The first time I did weight watchers it was an exercise in spiritual growth too. It was so important to me to have positive body image so that I could go into motherhood as a confident woman who had conquered that lifelong issue of being continually unhappy with my body.

But then, the body I have come to loathe has taken over. It has forced me into yoga pants, not for exercise, but out of desperation. literally not fitting into any of my mid-range pants. i've had to take the hem down on 3 pairs of pants since my butt and thighs have expanded to the point where then are hiked up where i dont like onto of my dirty running shoes. i am unhappy. very unhappy with what i am presenting. i used to make a concerted effort to be stylish, put together, good shoes, always jeans or nicely fitting pants...far, far cry from where i'm at now.

I am really trying to rise above the obvious, or the melancholic perspective I have of myself and let God change my mind. Let me love me. My friend pointed out that God really does love and care about me, regardless of what I look like. And although that might sound trite, I know she said it in good faith and with the best intentions and so I took it as if I can be acceptable before God, then I could come at things from the angle of getting "healthy" rather than getting "thin." Getting healthy, out of a love for what God has made me, or who He has made me.

I know there are obvious habits that I have developed in my eating (as mentioned above) and I even entertain that maybe I have an eating disorder, of compulsive overeating . I've mentioned that to people before and they just say "doesnt everyone do that??" but maybe not. I really do not want to belong to another "group" or label. I hope there is a way to get over this without going to Overeaters Anonymous...

I know after dealing with serious depression for a good chunk of time, then having "highly functioning depression" which has just kind of hung around for the last several or more months, it can be pretty exhausting to be always working on self-improvement. Thats where I believe God is there...waiting for me to run to Him for help. Like I did several years ago. I guess I can use prayer for this. (and kind words of course).

thanks.

argh...where is thursday?

2010-01-04T13:06:00.000-08:00

i know where thursday is. its in 4 more days, but it seems so far away. i really want to go back to weight watchers. after having a really tough year, then minor surgery, then Christmas where i was good at eating small portions of regular food, but then ate TONS of chocolate and sweets and chips...and then I tipped the scales at 180 lbs last night...and the day before that, i was 174 lbs and the day before that i was 172 lbs (which is a full 10lbs from where i was when i quite going to weight watchers last). i do not want to be anywhere near 180lbs...its like i'm pregnant, i look pregnant in the belly, but seriously! not good.

so i am counting points today, so far. (i just took a break to grab a bag of carrots).

i have gotten so far away from the healthy eating i was doing before--barely eating any vegetables, except with dinner. thankfully, i have some tried and true methods to get me back at it: drinking lots of water, eating vegetables and fruits for snacks, a grapefruit and cereal for breakfast always keeps me going, as does an apple and cheese.

i dont have much faith that i can stick to my 25 points for today, especially cuz that's without nursing points (since i have been only nursing a little lately, then today, i've already nursed 4 times before 1pm). but i'll give it a go, and at least count points.

okay, time for some more water!

my latest attempts

2010-01-04T12:59:00.000-08:00

I decided to copy and paste the list of weigh-ins here because it was getting ridiculously long, and had 2 attempts, the last one ending with victory (7lbs to goal) but none-the-less, i quit. life got too overwhelming, and weightloss had to go :(
I'm starting again this week, so i will enter those on the side for now.

Attempt 2: June 2009 to August 2009

aug 27 09: 10% Goal Reached (17 lbs) & 3rd 5 lb STAR: 162 lbs; down 3 lbs. total loss: -17.2 lbs (7 lbs to go! or 5 lbs to be within goal range)
aug 20 09: 165.0 lbs; down 0.6 lbs. total loss: -14.2 lbs (10.0 lbs to go! or 8 lbs to be within goal range)
aug 13 09: 165.6 lbs; down 2.6 lbs. total loss: -13.6 lbs (10.6 lbs to go! or 8.4 lbs to be within goal range)
aug 6 09: 168.2 lbs; down 0.4 lbs. total loss: -11.0 lbs (13.2 lbs to go! or 11.2 lbs to be within goal range)
july 30 09: 168.6 lbs; down 2 lbs. total loss: -10.6 lbs (13.6 lbs to go! or 11.6 lbs to be within goal range)
july 23 09: 170.6 lbs; up 0.2 lbs. total loss: -8.6 lbs (15.6 lbs to go!)
july 16 09: 170.4 lbs; down 2.4 lbs. total loss: -8.8 lbs (15.4 lbs to go!)
july 9 09: 172.8 lbs; down 0.4 lbs. total loss: -6.4 lbs (17.8 lbs to go!)
july 2 09: 173.2 lbs; down 6.2 lbs. total loss: -6 lbs (18.2 lbs to go!)
june 25 09: 179.4 lbs; up 2 lbs. total loss: 0 lbs (24.4 lbs to go!)
june 18 09: 177.4 lbs; down 1.8 lbs. total loss: -3.2 (22.4 lbs to go!)
june 11 09: 179.2 lbs; up 3 lbs. total loss: 0 lbs (24.2 lbs to go!)
june 11 2009: had to restart the program with starting weight: 179.2 lbs; goal: 155 lbs (24.2 lbs to lose)

Attempt 1: October 2008 to January 2009
jan 29 09: 176.2 lbs; up 0.6 lb. total loss: -4.4 lbs (21.2 lbs to go!)
jan 22 09: 175.6 lbs; down 3.6 lbs. total loss: -5 lbs (got my 5lb Star! 20 lbs to go!)
jan 15 09: 179.2 lbs; up 1.8 lbs. total loss: -1.4 lbs (24.2 lbs to go!)
dec 11 08: 177.4 lbs; down 0.6 lb. total loss: -3.2 lbs (22.4 lbs to go!)
dec 4 08: 178 lbs; up 1 lb. total loss: -2.6 lbs (23 lbs to go!)
nov 27 08: 177 lbs; down 0.8 lb. total loss: -3.6 lbs (22 lbs to go!)
nov 20 08: 177.8 lbs; down 1.2 lbs. total loss: -2.8 lbs (22.8 lbs to go!)
nov 13 08: 179 lbs; down 1.6 lbs. total loss: -1.6 lbs (24 lbs to go!)
oct 30 08 start: 180.6 lbs; goal: 155 lbs (25.6 lbs to lose)

disenchanted

2009-11-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

"The harshness of everyday reality disenchanted him of his idealistic hopes." http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disenchanted

that pretty much sums up what i'm thinking/feeling. i'll do my best to explain but it most likely will be stream-of-consciousness writing, as the thoughts come fast and jumbled...

i thought i had a stressful childhood for several reasons i wont get into right now, but looking back, i definitely did not feel the burden or was not even aware of the issues the adults in the house may be having, unless they directly affected me.

i feel like i've been climbing up a hill, enjoy the scenery, having a good time, slips, falls, bruises and all. now, i've reached the top of the hill, all of a sudden i can see so many more things. dark valleys are now clear to me. i can see the negative side of church that people have talked about for years and i always thought they were just having "stinking thinking" (please note sarcasm) and now, with my own life as a home owner, stay at home mom (which i always wanted to be) and mother/wife i see the difficulties.

i never thought i had life particularly easy, but compared to now, it was definitely a breeze. being responsible for another person, or three or four (including husband) is much more work than a few or five ferrets.

i recognize that part of my stress if my own fault, too much thinking!

i am constantly thinking or feeling guilty that i'm doing something to screw up my kids...or that this generation is rivaling Sodom & Gomorrah with what is shown as normal behaviour in movies and tv (yikes: re: Gossip Girl last night!!!). i enjoy the entertainment and relaxation i get from watching tv and movies but i find the messages on relationships and family and sex to be so contrary to what is healthy for a person, it is confusing to be constantly inundated by these messages. and yes, that stresses me out because it is important to me to teach them about pure living, and its a little tough. although thats probably looking ahead to far, i can handle purity for a 3 and 5 year old, maybe that should be my focus for now!

anyway, this thinking has made me feel more thankful for the times that i was a kid. i got to enjoy it and didnt have any idea about the stresses to come.

its never too late to start being responsible i suppose, so i'm thinking of starting a 10% tithe to the church and a 5% savings with income that comes in. being in debt and trying to live on one income is pretty tricky although not impossible...here's to hoping.

L-o-o-o-ser

2009-11-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

i decided it is time to begin again. i havent weighed in since August 27 when i was only 7lbs from my goal.

but i was definitely overwhelmed, struggling with depression and too many responsibilities. those extra responsibilities are now gone and so i am ready to try to get back to where i want to be weight-wise.

Today's goal: count points all day!

here i go...!

more than a feeling

2009-10-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

if i may say so myself, i'm very much off the wagon...i have not been following my weight watcher plan. i'm so sad to see my entry from Aug 28 where i was excited and getting sooo close to goal.

from there, i battled with myself over whether or not to go on medication for depression. i decided to put my focus onto my health and not use any mental or emotional energy on my weight loss. it felt great to lose weight and approach my goal, but i had a few strange physical responses: like losing energy all of a sudden (felt like a huge dip in blood sugar levels or something) and also a few episodes of rage, for no good reason, which made me head back to my counselor to see what his insight might be.

it was definitely circumstantial. since december last year, we'd been living in a 2 bedroom suite with a very small living area and kitchen. i felt crammed into this space with 3 kids and pets (2 litters of kittens!) and the absence of my husband for the most part. derek was working on renovating our upstairs (entirely) which was not planned out, grew and grew and grew, and consumed time and money that we couldnt afford to spend. in addition to the renovation process, he also worked a full time job, and did side-jobs as needed to help fund the renovation and our living expenses since we were no longer getting any rental income. phew. and of course, i was recovering from a very painful pregnancy with complications to my body afterwards causing pain and not allowing me to really help much--plus i had to watch 3 kids.

this was not a good place to be in. i felt pretty powerless. i sunk into depression twice earlier this year where i felt like i was literally in a cloud and completely functioning emotionless. i could not smile at my kids. i didnt want to socialize. i just did the bare minimum. it was not a good life for me. these episodes lasted about two weeks thankfully.

this time, it felt different. it was more anger based. i think related to feeling powerless. i had been pretty clear about the help i needed and the support i wanted and it was still up to me to be strong, take care of my responsibilities and hire help as needed. i feel the burden of financial stress too. i do not contribute funds to this life we have. its hard to be in that position. i cant throw money at the problem. i just get to spend money. it was making me feel like a leech. and the stress of letting down my already overburdened husband, was discouraging. he was trying to be as supportive as he could be, but the damage was already done. it was not making me a good mother. i was constantly feeling annoyed with the children and wanting to escape. i wanted to enjoy them. to be happy. to feel good.

now, several months later, i feel okay again. i have continued with counseling. i have had several meetings with my doctor regarding medication and have recently decided that i will not be going on anything at this point. i looked at my life, and tried to find any external responsibilities that i had committed to that were outside of my mothering responsibilities. i decided to strip away anything external and see how things went from there. i guess i had a few things going on, where i was a bit of a go-to person, so i gladly gave them up. they were honestly not a burden at the time, but at this point, i was feeling alot of anxiety and stress at the thought of doing anything other than being a mom/wife.

when i think of it now, i realize that i was doing the same things i would do when i had one child, then two, then three...all of a sudden, it caught up to me and i could not be the mother i wanted to be with these other responsibilities weighing on me.

of course, being the self-analyzer that i am, this has spun me into deeper consideration that is very age/stage appropriate for me: what do i want? what kind of a woman do i want to be? what kind of a mother am i striving to be? where should my energies be focused? how can i be a better wife?

i had a thought a few weeks ago, about how when i was younger, i would look at someone in their mid-thirties and think they seemed so frazzled and strange and i could not relate to them--all of a sudden--thats me! i figure people probably saw me as such. same with the frumpy body and lack of style and taking time to look good...me again...although, i do try to look good when i'm feeling okay!

its been quite the time of discovery, but MAN am i ever glad to be feeling better now. i am enjoying spending time with my kids, focusing on them, meeting their needs emotionally and giving them the attention they need. i was really noticing how my eldest was often asking if we loved her (even tho we say it all the time) and it would be so easy to just snap and say "of course we love you, we say it all the time!" but now i can give her a nice cuddle and tell her why i love her, assure her. and my son, is transitioning from baby to little man, and he needs time to be a baby and times to be brave. i'm so glad i was able to see that, and not just push him to grow up, get over it, as i often felt like doing. i do not handle other peoples emotions well. its something i want to improve on. i want to let them feel, not push them to move on too quickly (and thats not whining, but genuine emotions that they need to learn to work thru, not just be brushed aside).

i'm thankful to God for bringing me through this and curious to see where things go from here.

its really really happening!

2009-08-28T15:22:00.001-07:00

i was so blown away yesterday when i weighed in and had lost THREE pounds this week. i was away camping (or rather, cabin-ing) with family and everyone contributed to meals so i didnt have points or control over the items. i went on to have extra dinner and a little chocolate, and a piece of pie the night before weigh-in so i was really anticipating that i had maintained my weight, but definitely not lost.

the only thing i can think is that i must have upped my exercise to achieve a 3 lb loss because i was not being "good" or "perfect" on the plan by any means. i dont really get a chance to exercise on a weekly basis, i maybe get one walk in a week, so perhaps doing a nature walk for an hour (while carrying an 18lb baby) and walking back and forth to the swimming pool and leisure lounge area to our cabin must have helped balance out the lasagne, garlic bread, tarts, etc.

it seems that my weight loss pattern has been to lose 2-3 lbs one week, then just under a lb the next week, so that works out to about 2 lbs per week.

i guess it kind of scared me to have such a big loss since i want this to be permanent, not too quick and easy. it definitely has not been easy, i do say no to many things, but i guess i'm eating within my limit for the most part without missing out on life or the joy of social eating :)

when i think of the number: 162, it doesnt seem very low, but i was wearing size 30 jeans on the weekend and i tried on some 30s today that gaped at the back (just the wrong cut) and even a 29 fit okay, i'm swimming in my size 13 capris (they've go to go!), and my underwear are all stretched from pregnancy and so i finally bought some new ones today (which i'm nervous will be too small as mediums, but they look big when i hold them up).

when i saw myself in the mirror at the cabin this weekend, i thought: "Wow! I'm done losing weight! that is how i picture myself looking, how i want to look." Then i had a shower and put in my contacts and i looked much larger--strange...regardless, i guess i'm basically done, especially if i'm fitting size 30 jeans, now i'm just working to get to a number i'm more comfortable with, like 150 or 155 (if i'm still nursing).

Audrey is 11 months old tomorrow. its crazy how it feels like the weight has just fallen off since June when it was such a struggle from October to June, where i remained at 180 lbs all those months. I dont feel that maintenance will be hard since i was able to maintain 180 for 8 or 9 months. I feel like its finally really really happening :D

yay for me!

make every moment count

2009-07-31T23:21:00.001-07:00

two things happened in two days that reminded me to make every moment count.

first, i watched a raunchy movie, it was pretty funny at times, it had some insights into relationships, but then it impacted me with its clever way of distracting from the truth and encouraging insensitivity to evil. it made me feel sick. i was embarassed to be in the theatre, feeling embarassed that someone from church might see me there. i felt sad for our society and especially younger generations (since its 14A in canada, but R in the states) who are being led to a trough of sexual and moral confusion. music (ie. i kissed a girl), movies (most??? i watch alot of movies, and i CANNOT believe the level of sexual content that is in a 14A, even PG 13 is very close), even commercials and of course, magazines, tv, etc. are so full of terrible examples of sexuality and what is expected of women or men. i feel confused. i dont know what it means to be a Christian woman, married, sexy, holy: whats right, whats not for me in those roles?...in watching this movie, i just wonder what Christian couples have decided are acceptable vs. what does God actually think about all this? what's He going to say when we see Him? thats where make every moment count comes in: dont waste time listening to advice on marriage, sex and relationships from sources that are not on common ground with the Bible. Secondly, dont give into what this culture is doing, it was making me think of Sodom and Gomorrah...our culture is trying its hardest to normalize EVERYTHING. nothing is off limits. and this is way beyond sex before marriage, or casual sex. anyway, i take purity seriously. or i would like to. i would like to make every moment count for purity, to say no to what our society/culture is trying to do, to mess with marriages and relationships. and its not that a person/producer/writer is necessarily intentionally plotting to cheapen marriages and commitment or trying to make people continually unsatisfied with their partners (or maybe there is, ie. to have effective, thriving, consumerism there must be newer, improved items to buy, and the old ones have to be thrown away--thats what we do with things, thats what society seems to be doing with people). plus, i think writers think they are writing what is actually happening out there, but in the process, the power of suggestion make "what is actually happening" somewhere, start to happen everywhere.
(like in another movie i saw recently, they had to have a 3 girls kissing at a party since 2 girls kissing is not as riske anymore, its just so darn commonplace (snarcastic)).

i wished i would have looked up the rating on kidsinmind.com as it does give a clear run thru of what to expect of a movie. so if your heart sounds like mine, dont go see The Ugly Truth.

i sooo want young women, not so young women, all women to see their value AS A WOMAN and to not give themselves away for nothing, with little thought. to see they are precious.

the other thing that made me see that i need to make every moment count, was when i was approached by a nice young lady to do a bible study and every time she saw me, she'd say she wanted to get together and talk and do a bible study. i didnt want to rush her into anything, and i also dont want to over commit myself, but i was excited for the opportunity. so we finally made a date to get together, then the day before, we ran into eachother, had a little visit, a little catch up, so then we planned to keep our date for the next day. i felt compelled by God to share some quick points of what it means to commit to God, but i decided to save it for the next day.

she cancelled. with a non-committal rebook for the day after. it didnt happen.

i wish i would have just said what i wanted to say that first day. lesson learned. i'll try that next time. why not? my life is in God. what i need to say, can be said with preparation or not. God will use the willing heart and also when the opportunity arises, i know to use it.

anyway, poor audrey is calling me to bed, so to bed i will go.

g'nite

getting there

2009-07-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

i am quite thrilled that i lost 2 lbs this past week. i'm getting so close to my goal range, i really only need to lose another 11.6 lbs to be within my goal range where i wont need to pay anymore. so at best, that would be another 6 weeks, it will probably take a little longer, but i've got to really give it my best.

i'm have definitely lost a size or two, but since i've got another 15 lbs to go, that will probably mean another size and a bit, so i am really trying to stop myself from buying more summer clothes. my yoga style pants are getting alot of wear these days since they fit much better than jean capris.

its been exciting to see a bit of a transformation, where i'm finally looking the way i want to look.

count me in

2009-07-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

okay, if you know what has worked in the past, keep doing it!!!

thats a weight watcher's slogan. i shoulda known. i only had a 0.2 lb GAIN this week at weigh in, but i was, of course, really hoping for a loss. i didnt count points most of the week because i was BUSY (here are the excuses: kids in soccer in the a.m., kids club in the p.m., sick baby all night, dr.'s appointments, plus prep for the kids club because i was directing the Preschool club, making dinners, lots of driving, etc.) and i tried to eat basically the same thing everyday without over indulging. i guess i did that, but after counting my points yesterday, i see that i probably did go over some days, but obviously i maintained this past week.

so, lesson learned: Count your points, Amanda!!! you've got 15.6 lbs to go!

i really dont want to lose my momentum

feeling closer

2009-07-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

i had a goal of reaching my 5% loss or being under 170lbs. i felt pretty excited about the prospect of being under 170 since it feels like its been a looong time, and thats just so much closer to 155.

i got my 5% which was an 8.8 lb accumulative loss (since the "restart" on June 11) but 10.2 lbs since i began in October. i'm only 13 lbs from being back within my allowable weight (at 155 goal) so thats pretty exciting, and quite attainable. i just finished 5 weeks which i prepaid, and then paid for a single day today. so i figure if i keep going at a steady pace, another 5 weeks should/could have me at goal! will i ever be excited to be back under 160!! its coming :D

i'm starting to look the way i want to look and now its just fine tuning. i'm still having some issues with my belly button (its slightly herniated, and sometimes is hard so thats kind of scary). i talked to a clinic dr. about it and he was pretty adamant that if i experienced any pain that i should head straight to Maple Ridge for emergency surgery. hmmm

here's to filling your plate half full with veggies!

try, try, try

2009-06-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

i went back to weight watchers again tonight. first time since january 29. well, its been a tough couple months, lots of sicknesses, my first bout with allergies, a couple bouts of serious depression, then some realignment of my life and some re-integration of my husband into our family time. so i guess, now the renovation is nearing completion, there's light at the end of the tunnel (i almost wrote "tonnel" which, is a little descriptive of the TON of stuff thats been going on)...

regardless, things ARE going much better now. i am feeling much more grounded, enjoying my family, i even cut out tv for the kids this week. four days down! i'm loving having no tv. i was noticing that Audrey is at a very interactive stage of life: crawling, smiling, wanting to "talk" and just interacting. i was noticing that my little tv kids were not really interacting with her much (especially first thing, cuz they were watching it first thing in the morning. which began when i was too tired to get up in the morning so they just went to watch tv). so now, they have had some great times interacting, playing together, playing with our little kittens. its been just what i wanted. Diedre still asks for tv (maybe once a day, but not today!) and i just say no and suggest books or colouring or playdough and she went for it. yay!

and now, time for getting back to weight watchers. sadly, i have to pay! argh! its been YEARS since i've paid because i achieved lifetime membership the first time i did it and then i used the "free" post-partum time line after each pregnancy. anyway, i paid up for 5 weeks. so i'll try to bust my butt and see how close i can get to my goal in that time. i've got 24.2 lbs to lose...so i think i'll be needing more that 5 weeks but its a start.

lets call these the "before" pics since i've been hovering around this weight for awhile now.
anyway, go amanda go, we'll see :D

too many MCs not enough mics

2009-05-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

okay, thoughts thoughts thoughts analytical emotional thoughts. i cannot escape them. they are unfortunately something i have to live with and deal with.

today's barrage:
character development vs. behaviour modification

how do you get a boy to use the potty?

am i making positive connections with my kids when they watch tv for a few hours then we go out and do something with other people? am i depending too much on others to help me thru my day? am i building my family or passing them off on other people, even tho i'm there, in a good mood, and enjoying watching them play or appreciating that they can play nice?

i'm trying to hug my kids more. it reminds me of the blessing they are and that i was so honored to have them in my life throughout my pregnancies and into their new life.

i'm a sentimental packrat that is raising a sentimental packrat who is teaching her brother to be a sentimental packrat. (that seems like a good status update line).

can i make it thru this day without getting "depressed" by 7 or 8pm when my DH comes home?

someone told me that depression is like a fever, it forces your body to take a break, mental capacities kind of shut down and you are forced to rest, regardless of mounting responsibilities.

i'm an unusual person who talks thru things when most people introvert.

i'm trying to trust that God knows what i need and that He's going to give me what i need a the right time.

thats all i've got time for now.

soo many updates

2009-03-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

i spent hours today updating photos on facebook. blogging has been such a low priority lately, or maybe just a no-time thing. we were all sick. caring for 3 sick kids while i'm sick is pretty time consuming. needless to say, i have definitely not been following weight watchers. i estimate its been about a month, maybe more. my weight is fluctuating close to 180 lbs. i am not happy about this. when i see myself in pictures (and especially in the birthday video for my daughter's 4th last month) i want to never see a picture of myself again. i remember always thinking people who didnt want a picture taken were being lame, now i am that person. i cannot stand it. however, i dont have the health/energy to really do anything about it presently--although eating less would probably help.

today derek invited me over for a chocolate after dinner,
i said "but what if i dont want one?"
he said "you want one."
and i said "i dont like to eat junk food before 8pm. ha ha"

but that being written, i havent had anything but water since then.

my mom says, i'll get there because i always get there and i want to get there.

i've been thinking how at 30/mid 30s women often look larger than they want to...i always noticed that, but now that i'm there, i think i get it: babies, breastfeeding, busy with kids, my parents (anyone, especially husband) dont tell me not to eat dessert all the time anymore, i cant just go out for a walk anytime, i cant even go to the gym right now because childcare is available until a baby is 6 months old, marriage is compromise and renos are priority so we can move back upstairs, tv is much more relaxing and is often the only option when baby falls asleep, wakes up within ten minutes, falls asleep again, wakes up again, and so on.

its like the first time you live on your own and you realize you can have cookies for breakfast, for snack, for lunch, for dinner because you are allowed to do whatever you want to now. pretty unhealthy, but thats freedom to indulge, no sharing with siblings. i was just reading in a parenting book a little snippet where a parent says "those cookies are for everyone in the house." to remind a child to share, to only eat a few at a time, to not be a hoarder. i definitely didnt learn that lesson. i was a hoarder and i am most likely to eat the rest of the cake if theres a cake. these are definitely bad habits for someone who wants to lose some weight...well alot of weight...25lbs at least!

so maybe therein lies a few goals: dont hoard but rather share. dont eat the rest of the cake, its better in the garbage than in my belly.

wasting food would probably feel better than how i feel about my body.

on a more positive note, i am feeling very good about my parenting. i have been implementing a few tactics that i read about and am pleased that they are working with both older kids. it goes a little something like this "when i say something, i expect you to listen." even tho my son is just over two, he seems to be responding to it. of course it only works when i stop him and look him in the face. another thing that i'm thankful for with him is when he gets in trouble, we ask him why he's in trouble and he'll tell us. and i'm able to deal with anger in a healthy way. much less yelling thankfully.

i was considering giving up my family blog after doing a super photo album update today. i have very few blog followers which makes me kind of sad. i had sooo many during my first pregnancy and after baby was born. but i think thats just because i was working and had alot of connections that way. as for now, most connections are on facebook, and thats it. i guess i'll have to talk it over withh my MIL since its pretty much just for her.

xo

its my blog and i'll whine if i want to

2009-02-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

i feel:

-guilty for booking preschool on monday mornings because it makes it too big of a day (too much activity) for my daughter and then makes me feel like skipping caregroup in the evening.
-guilty for bannishing my daughter to her room to have a quiet time while i decide if i can handle taking 3 kids to caregroup without my husband
-annoyed that we ever bought a house that would require such extensive renovations just to be a safe living environment
-guilty for begrudging our decision to buy this house
-thankful that my husband is so handy, energetic, willing to renovate to make this a safe/healthy place to live (ie. mold free)
-tired, very very tired
-extremely sore in the shoulders and upper back because i keep having to cancel my physio appointments
-annoyed that my basic needs cannot be taken care of
-self-doubting about so much because i'm tired
-disappointed with myself for not being stricter with weight watchers this week
-annoyed that i cant go for a run because my husbands reno is priority and we decided to have lots of kids so its not possible
-annoyed that all the AA batteries are in the kids toys and none left for my wii fit balance board
-sorry for letting my baby cry while i type out these feelings but i dont know how to get her to calm down right now because she's teething and her schedule has changed once again
-sick of answering questions or having to meet demands by 3 or 4 people
-ready for bed
-a little better at the end of this list
-worried about my dad and his liver issues. it reminds me that i'm 30, he's 62, we're all getting older
-stressed by finances but proud of our efforts to eat at home more
-too tired to change out of my workout clothes although i might feel better if i do before we go out

things are looking up

2009-01-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

after being sick since last friday, and very very sick at times with a very nasty cold, weight loss was on my mind but behind juice, tea, comfort food, and rest. after taking care of myself as much as possible while having 3 small children, i gained 0.6 lb at tonight's weigh in. no biggie. i'm motivated to get back at my wii fit and count my points this week coming.

the last time i worked out on my wii fit, i actually broke a sweat and it felt awesome! i havent "worked out" for a long time. i realize now that i have an issue called Diastasis Recti (separation of the abdominal muscles) as a result of my pregnancies. i found some great exercises that i have yet to begin because of being sick.

i'm still "planning" on having one more baby, but i really want to make sure my body can handle it because this past time, it was not so....ouchie. things were baaaad. anyway, after having a wonderful, beautiful, healthy third child, i am still planning to go ahead with another, i'm just thinking through the timing/spacing from this baby as well as my health. i'm glad to know that my ab separation has lessened since i've started my wii fit workouts (mostly from the yoga poses, i'd venture to guess). i have a check up with my dr. in two weeks so i'm looking forward to seeing how low my weight will be as well as the ab separation because the article claims that these exercises should bring improvement rather quickly. i have been feeling sore at my belly button, like its slightly herniated, so i hope that settles soon too.

i had a pretty melancholy day the other day, and i know that its all about what i focus on. there are great women that i am friends with out there, but there have just been a few things that have happened that have made me feel attacked, ignored, not cared about...i choose to let those things go in lieu of better days, better friends, better interactions.

now, i'm going to go have a little more chocolate before i get back on the program full force tomorrow!

why me?

2009-01-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

okay, feeling melancholic.

so, i've had a really good week as far as counting points and fitting in a bit of fitness most days. today was a bit of a write-off for points because i had this moms group where there's just a bunch of food. i tried to make wise choices, but i did throw in a bit of almond rocha...

anyway, my "why me?" is about me being such a sensitive person. i HAAAAAATE it. i dont want to be insecure or petty or whatever, but i CANNOT help it. i have thoughts and trains of thought that when i say it out loud to someone who is NOT sensitive (ie. bounce an idea off a friend) they say things like "i dont think anyone would think like that." but obviously i do, so some people must too...so that being written, i am extra conscious of others because i wouldnt want them to be offended, like i might be, but most likely, they would not be.

is there anyway to UNLEARN this annoying personality trait? i so, do not want to pass it onto my kids!

i've lived in this new town for 3 years and had one round of disappointment when after 2 years i found out that only one of the several friends i had made actually liked me, while the others just talked about me behind my back, were nice to my face, and then excluded me from gatherings.

i'm very cautious when making friends now. i'm scared i'll do something to turn them off. so i really take it slow, which works for me since my life is full of children. but gosh, i wish i could just get all this stuff off my back so i can just be free to be me. i think i'm awesome (other than that annoying sensitveness), but i dont know how to let go of those hurts and finding out that i was oblivious to people not liking me.

i often think of a quote my mom wrote in this book she made for me where she commented that her mother always wanted everyone to like her. i'm sure i'm the same way. my mom says that this sensitivity is not from her, that she's not like that, so then i'm at a loss. not that knowing where it came from would help, i really just want to know how to not be that way.

any advice?

new year, same goal

2009-01-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

after pretty much taking december off of my weight watchers plan, i'm back at 'er.

in december, a new plan was introduced, so we had weigh-in only one day, then Christmas & new years with no weigh-in. so there were no meetings for 3 weeks and i really needed a meeting. i was feeling VERY unmotivated and disappointed with my progress so far, not to mention my lack of discipline and no time for exercising.

so over the holidays, i ate like crazy, soooo much chocolate and baking and such, but i also started doing wii fit on a regular basis. nearly every day i do 20 to 30 minutes. one week i lost 1 lb a day for 3 or 4 days to get me back down to 179, but then it stopped.

so my plan is to keep doing wii fit everyday. i do 3-5 yoga poses (2 minutes each in the bank) then either boxing fit, or step, or the run. which rounds it up to 20 minutes easy. i also decided to weigh myself on the wii fit using the "0 lbs for clothing weight" so that i can judge my fluctuation better.

i'm still not sleeping thru the night and i dont always get a nap, so not resting enough definitely makes me want to eat chocolate or sweets.

i really hope i can have a good loss this week because i'm really getting sick of not being able to wear my clothes!!! i've only got one pair of before&after maternity jeans, otherwise its fairly slim pickins and i'm not the type to wear yoga pants out and about on a regular basis.

i'm trying to focus on the fact that i've already lost 20lbs since Audrey was born 3.5 months ago.
also, i've done this weight loss thing 3 times before successfully, so i know i can do it!

a good piece of advice i heard was to focus on the last meal/snack instead of whats next because it might change your choice when you think back.

happy new year

trying to be perfect

2008-11-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

can't do it.

i cannot be perfect.

i was all ready to start counting my points and not going over as of yesterday (thursdays are my weigh in day, so i figured friday was a good day to get back at it, start fresh).

i did well all day. then i headed out to my parents with my kids. i stopped to pick up a Tim Horton's coffee for my husband and on a whim decided to buy myself a mocha which is like 4 points...then we got wings, garlic toast and lasagne for dinner on the fly...it was all over then. i saw those chicken wings and i knew i would be having more than 3. and at 3points a wing, yikes.
then came the cookies...

so, i know i need to be confident, dont let myself be defeated and just start again.

my mom made the comment that i'd really slimmed down lately. that my bottom and thighs were looking much slimmer...i was sort of shocked because i just barely sqeeeeezed into a pair of non-maternity pants, but i wore them anyway since my mat pants are too big now.

derek is off working for a half-day today and since its just me and the girls, i might attempt some shopping/errands today. although my house is over flowing with laundry. somehow i got behind in it, so i'd like to get that done too. my mom wants to keep ezekiel for another night, but he's only 2 and i miss him :( i'm sure he misses me too...so i dont want to push him.

but when i think about it, grandma has the morning with him, then he naps for several hours, then pepere gets home from work and would want to see him, then a couple hours and its bedtime. so keeping him for another day might be okay. i guess we'll see.

i will try try try to record all my points and eat within them today. i need to grocery shop, so that should help, get more veggies in the house!

two issues with this attempt

2008-11-26T15:49:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking about how this journey back to my goal weight has two main issues for me.

i definitely want to reach a more comfortable number on the scale. i have been as low as 140 lb in my adult life but i think 150 lbs suits me better. i have always appeared lighter than my "number on the scale." which is nice, but i think it actually has to do with having dense muscle mass. i have always been pretty athletic and could walk for as long as i'd want with little effort or fatigue. running takes more effort for me but i think its because i had poor technique. currently, being close to 180 lbs when my daughter is nearly 2 months old is pretty hard on my eyes and psyche. i know it takes time, but since i only reached around 188 lbs with my first two pregnancies, i was well below this weight by baby's 2nd month.

the other issue for me is the post-partum body. i want my body to look more "normal." i had such a crazy huge belly that stuck out FAR. it obviously did some damage to my muscles and skin. i know its common to have a softer belly after having a baby, but my belly seems soft and droopy. i feel a little scared with how its going to turn out especially since i am decidedly against getting a tummy tuck (because, thanks to those wonderful reality tv shows, i've seen what the procedure and subsequent scarring looks like and i do not want that either!). i try to remind myself that it takes time and to not be too hard on myself, mostly because there is NOTHING quick i can do about it.

i know that slowly dropping the lbs will result in a slightly different physique, i'm both curious and a little scared to see what it looks like ;P

i remember back to my first attempt at weight loss and it was a huge change for my body image, my way of looking at food, and my confidence as well as the number on the scale. it was so important to me to have healthy self-image and to hopefully never let my daughter hear me say "ugh, i look so fat!" i just happened to have a daughter first and i felt like i was good to go, good attitude, good perspective, a healthy body...well, things have changed. i dont feel so on top of things right now, but i believe that i can return to a healthier way of thinking and living.

4th time losing weight

2008-11-22T09:29:00.000-08:00

i recently re-joined the local weight watchers group. back in 2003 i joined for the first time, i did really well, consistently lost weight until i reached and exceeded my goal. i was 168lbs and got all the way down to 140lbs (with my "official" goal on the program being 145 so i'd have 7lbs of lee-way--you can be 2 lbs above or your official goal weight and still maintain your "at goal" status which means you dont have to pay).

just after reaching goal in 2004, and becoming a lifetime member of weight watchers, i became pregnant for the first time. i maintained my weight until i was 3 months pregnant and then it obviously went up from there.

Pregnancy 1:
start weight: 143 lbs at 9.5 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 140 lbs
end weight: 188 lbs at 40 weeks
total gain: 48 lbs
baby girl
loss after 3 weeks: 20 lbs; weighing 168 lbs

Pregnancy 2:
start weight: 161 lbs at 8.5 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 158 lbs
end weight: 189.5 lbs at 41 weeks
total gain: 31.5 lbs
baby boy
loss after 3 weeks: 31.5 lbs; weighing 158 lbs

Pregnancy 3:
start weight: 157lb at 8 weeks (recorded at dr.'s office); actual was 156 lbs
end weight: 201lb at 41 weeks
total gain: 45 lbs
baby girl
loss after 3 weeks: 20 lbs; weighing 181 lbs

so i did manage to get down to about the same weight before the second two pregnancies began and weight watcher principles really helped.

so now is my 4th time partaking on the weight loss journey to try to get back to the healthy lifestyle i want to live.

i started at 180 lbs weigh in on October 30 2008.
i skipped 2 weeks and weigh ins were as follows:
November 13: 179 lbs down 1.6 lbs
November 20: 177.8 lbs down 1.2 lbs

i have not been exercising at all since starting. i really want to play my wii fit, but adjusting to audrey's schedule or lack of or whatever, hasnt really allowed it and i've been TIIIIRED in the evening. i ate alot of halloween candy and chocolate the first 2 weeks on the program but this week has gone much better.

i have been using twitter alot and am part of a group called "wwtweets" so i decided i start documenting my weight loss and i'm sure i'll reach my goal soon-ish :D as a lifetime member, i have 3 months free from October 30 to get back to my goal weight of 155 lbs. i'm not totally sure i can reach it by then, but if not, i can always raise my goal so that i dont have to pay.

anyway, better go. we are throwing our son his second birthday party today! fun!

what to do...how much to do...?

2008-07-25T15:59:00.001-07:00

i'm just thinking about the fall and what kinds of responsibilities i want to have when i'm about to add a little one to our family. i have been in a role of responsibility for a mom's group over the last year and its time to make commitments again. then i'm thinking of my needs as a mom and as a woman, and the longer i'm in my town (nearly 3 years) the more i learn about whats out there to do for me or my kids.

sunday morning: church, but no participation on worship team or nursery until at least january.
tuesday morning: i will be busy with a Christian preschool that diedre and ezekiel like to attend which at most requires bringing a snack on rotation.
wednesday morning (1st & 3rd of the month): the mom's group where i led a discussion group and had to call my ladies the week before. this also requires attending meetings throughout the year. there is a preschool type class that my kids will be in together. the baby will probably be with me.
wednesday morning (every 2nd wed, may or may not coincide with the mom's group): a ladies/mom's bible study, with childcare provided. it sounds like a really encouraging group and a nice break from kids.
friday early afternoon: maybe dance lessons for diedre

so basically, when i moved to this town i really wanted to find a ladies bible study like the one i now know about but it took 2 years before i heard about it and i didnt get the chance to go last year b/c of the other mom's group. so now, i'm at the point of needing to commit again to the one group or maybe not. i could always just be a casual attendee, rather than involved in the leadership of it.

any thoughts? i just dont want to get overbooked and have to back out of things. i'd rather just take the low-key road and do what i can from there.

i'm not looking for advice, maybe a little love...

2008-04-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

in the last few weeks i have had a pretty tumultuous time with "friends" or people who have told me i'm insecure, lack confidence, unsure of myself, i dont carry myself in a way that would attract people to me, and today, that my mind is separate from my body and i need to get grounded (i have NO idea what she meant....its some new agey philosophy as far as i can tell...no idea....except that maybe it was another: you're unsure of yourself statement--it also had something to do with "giving away my power"??).

i am overly honest, and am someone people feel comfortable telling these fairly unhelpful statements to--because they're not telling me how i can be more confident...

i feel pretty beaten down. i feel like i did in grade two when i was not content with the friends i had and wanted "popular friends" just to have them reject me...and then the major relationship difficulties i had in my preteen and teen years where i was controlling and manipulative and basically not able to appreciate the friendships i had...then in college where these girls would go out for coffee and never invite me, and me being odd, asked why they didnt invite me and they said "you are really hard to be friends with." but i had NO idea why...they didnt elaborate and we had a strange, strained friendship after that...and then when i lived in whistler, i never felt like i had friends who really cared about me but i just thought it was because i was busy being a newlywed and had a hard first year...and now, i've been in this town for two and a half years and was feeling like i lacked any significant connections...and this i found out recently, was because i rubbed people the wrong way...i was judgemental, and too forward with my opinions, and hurt peoples feelings and again i had NO idea i was doing this. now that i've been told, i see it for sure, i know what i can do to change and i am totally willing to do that. not so people will "like" me but because i see that it was wrong and i want to be a supportive person, not a judgmental person.

writing this here, knowing people might read it, is hard. i guess i'm hoping it will give insight into who i am. it will act as an apology to those i know i've hurt in the time of our friendship. it will explain why i'm so odd...mostly, i truly am embarassed for what i've done, what i've allowed myself to become, for being such a crappy example of someone who follows Christ, for the things i didnt realize and wish i had...its like when i was learning that i could be honest without violating myself all the time, it was such an embarrassment to realize that i didnt know there was another way.

is there something wrong with my brain? why do i have to learn things in such a hard way? why do people tell me such hurtful things? why do i put myself out there where i can be hurt.

if i wasnt interested in socializing or making friends, i could avoid these hurts and have a much cleaner house.

the other thing that really confuses me is why the people who know me well love me so much...but then i cant seem to make new friends. it makes me think that i was more likeable ten years ago so those are the friends i have now, but something changed so now i'm not likeable...?

another explanation is that i have tried to make friends with people who do not share similar values so i am always the oddball. plus, i was too open about my values and that i thought they were the right way to be...so that turned people off.

anyway, enough mental gymnastics...i'm turning 30 soon, so apparently it is not uncommon to have major emotional/social/intellectual/spiritual breakthroughs or shake-ups. now, i get to practice "letting go" and not letting this eat me up anymore...

milk

2008-03-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

my brother and i have often been teased by west coasters for how we say "milk"

recently, i was watching sesame street and i thought "aha! that's why we say it like "melk" because of sesame street, filmed in New York."

so click here and press "m" and you will see what i mean.

finally, validated (and yes, my mom says "melk" too)

i cant wait anymore...

2008-02-20T14:16:00.001-08:00

and neither should you...

we are happily expecting a new baby at the salmon household.

due date is september 20 2008 but i'm aiming for october 1st. ezekiel was 10 days late (diedre was only 2 days late) so i dont want to rush this next little one...although i really wish i was further along than 9 and a half weeks so that the morning/all day sickness was passed.

yes, we planned it. our first two are 21 months apart and this one should come around 22 months after ezekiel. its great spacing for us. i'm already started to show and i have been having fairly consistent all day sickness, so i might as well tell now!

so far, i think its a girl because the nausea is very similar to what i had with diedre (i was very sick with ezekiel).

i am really turned off by chicken right now and hoping that ends soon as i had stocked up some "great" chicken meals in the freezer, which i could not eat b/c of the nausea.

for a few weeks it seemed as though i could eat one thing (ie. Tim Horton's new deli trio) and it was perfect but the very next day it totally turned my stomach, ugh. this happened with many many foods making my eating options from weeks 6 to 9 very limited...i think i'm coming out of that a little, although writing all this about food is not helping...

its been pretty challenging trying to eat (or feed kids and husband) when i feel so crummy all the time. especially dinner time. sometimes when i step out of the kitchen into the dining area, i feel so much better, less nausea and everything.

ezekiel has blessed me with two nights of sleeping all the way through the night (not in a row, but two out of three). last night was not one of them...it was TERRIBLE...ugh. hope the family starts sleeping better soon...of course poor derek was having some tummy troubles last night too so i had to handle both night hawks myself.

we are all quite excited (except ezekiel, he doesnt know whats going on yet). the day we found out was a sunday morning and we told diedre and she said "i have to tell all my friends that mommy has a baby in the belly." it was very cute.

she is starting to pray for the "little tiny baby" and to say she loves him/her already. i'm hoping she will be a good helper when the time comes.

diedre turns three next week. and ezekiel will be 15 months old next week too. time sure flies when you're having kids.

just wanted to share our blessing with you all :)

on another family note, our dog Sparky ran away on saturday. we looked around for him by van for 20 minutes and couldnt find him. he has gone missing at least 5 times before and either we get a call the next day from the animal control or our neighbour has found him, but not this time. he's been gone four days and i'm thinking he got stolen. he is a very handsome and friendly dog. not cool, not cool.

also, when some people find him they dont want to give him back. they ask "are you sure you can handle him? we are willing to walk him for you or play with him. please call if you change your mind." or this older couple kept saying "okay sparky, go back upstairs." when i came to get him. they wanted him too. so if one of those two families have him, at least they will be very happy. practically speaking, i dont mind not having dog hair everywhere or poop all over the yard...call me crazy, but every little inconvenience really adds up when you're busy with kids.

oh to live in the forest...

2008-01-21T23:26:00.000-08:00

i have a very vivid memory of a boy i had a crush on in early grade school. he left my house in a huff and said "i'm never coming back to your house because you dont have running water!"

it was pretty embarassing. i dont think i knew that that was especially abnormal at the time.

it became a claim to fame for our family. like the year andrew went back to school and was asked, in the usual school assignment fashion, "what was the most exciting thing to happen during your summer holidays?" and he said, "getting indoor plumbing." he got in alot of trouble for that. the teacher thinking he was being cheeky.

not so.

so andrew used to carry up buckets of well water to our house for drinking and cooking and bathing (although we used to go to Nana's for proper baths sometimes). and we spent alot of our childhood stacking wood and shoveling snow and singing freestyle songs about how much we hated it. but really, we must have loved it. we also had a pond that froze over and i would shovel a t-shaped path to practice my figure skating on. or we would shovel the whole thing and have people over for skating. we had 260 acres we could explore. i'm sure we didnt use anywhere near any of that. but we got to see partridges and porcupines and see deer tracks or wild rabbits.

its exactly what i want for my kids. i want to live in the forest. have a garden. lots of trees around us. somewhere for us to all run around, explore and enjoy the beauty of nature as God intended it.

am i really to blame for all of this...?

2007-12-22T12:01:00.001-08:00

ok. i'm having mother-guilt overload.

i feel guilty because ezekiel is/was crying and not taking a nap (he used to nap exactly at 10am and 3pm, i guess its switched to 12noon as he just stopped crying exactly then. even though he's been up since 6am, i thought he'd definitely go to sleep by 10am. i guess he's getting older).

i feel guilty because since ezekiel's first birthday party (november 25) diedre has completely regressed to potty accidents/diapers etc. she was having about 95 per cent success and wore underpants all the time. after the party, it was accident, accident, accident. so i blamed myself, thinking the party/gifts was too overwhelming for her little 2 and a half year old emotions to handle, and thus, the regression.

and now, i feel guilty because today, she is wearing underpants and having success. she has had 4 or 5 successes so far and its only noon. the reason i feel guilty is because i think maybe her having the extra attention from having grammy and grandpa here is enabling her to be success; which means that i was neglecting her and not giving her the security to have success...how convoluted is that!? but that's my mind and my guilt...although writing this is helping.

i'm actually reading a book...

2007-11-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

i've never been much of a reader...i was a sponge for knowledge during my pregnancies and read more than ever during them.

right now, i'm reading a book that some of my "green" Christian friends decided to hand over to me even though they had yet to read it. i said i would do a book report. The book is called Serve God, Save The Planet.

at this stage of the game, i hope this book will change my life as much as it is making me feel like changing my life right now.

step one for me: minimize. give away everything i do not need. try to give away things i want but don't need.

this is a hard one for me to do. i am a hoarder. i like having good things. i like keeping things that may be useful at some point.

i am a pack rat.

side note: my mom moved here from Ontario last june. she brought out boxes of my "stuff" that i had been living without for nine years. most importantly, she brought out my napkin collection. yes, napkin collection. it had fancy napkins, airline napkins (back when they were almost cloth like), Christmas themes, holiday themes, ones from my pen pal in Greece, obviously napkins that were very important to me as a kid. so, i looked through them all, then threw them out. we laughed at how ridiculous it was to move a box of old, unused napkins over 4000 miles (driving).

we have two kids now, a Doberman, and two cats. we have too much stuff for the 1000 square feet that we live in. we have no garage or outdoor storage, so that means items like rakes, lawnmower, table saw, etc. get to experience the variety of weather systems that we have on the west coast. this also means that in a location where you would traditionally find shoes, there sits a chainsaw or two, pet food, a random assortment of tools and large baby items that are not being used.

so i ask myself, is lack of storage the issue, or just too much random junk?

at the minimum, i think i could try to get rid of a good amount of items. i know on the show clean sweep they have "keep", "sell", "throw out" piles and they usually split the "keep" pile in half again, i think. that might be a good start.

wish me strength to do a task that is so against my pack rat nature.

UPDATE:

ok, not to pick on derek, but he is also a pack rat...see the above picture. this vest was last worn on Monday, April 24, 2000. our wedding date. it still has the gerbera daisy pinned to it. we have moved three times since our wedding seven and a half years ago...

i'm not giving this away...not yet!

old age

2007-09-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

for some reason, i've been thinking alot about old age, not mine necessarily, maybe that of my parents or their age demographic...

perhaps it began with my recent experience of being a "sandwich generation" person: caring for my mother and my young children. mom was really sick for six months or so and i was one of the closest to her. i really tried to be there to visit, encourage and care for her as much as possible. i really learned alot during that time. i learned how to keep things to myself, to let things go, to be ready for anything and to rely on God to give me the strength to care for those around me when i really wanted to be cared for.

then last week i spoke with an elderly friend who has a mother who is 101 and living in a nearby "home." she said that her mother lived on her own until 99 and then moved into a "home." she said the lack of stimulation (not running her own household) really did affect her and her health declined quickly. she is still doing pretty good for 101, but how much better might she be if her family had been able to care for her at home and keep her close by?

then we watched "Away from Her" the other night. a wonderful Canadian movie about alzeheimers. it was so touching to see two elderly people still interested in one another, still affectionate and even physically intimate (although we didnt "see" that part thankfully--i dont like watching sex scenes of any type in movies, personally!). it was sooo heartbreaking to see the wife transfer her affections to another man in the "home" because her husband was not allowed to see her for 30 days! 30 days earlier, they were so in love with one another, they totally completed each other, they were ONE for sure, and then a stupid policy meant that they could not be together for 30 days and she forgot him. she never really remembered him again. it was sooo sad. he gave her space, and was persistent and tried to wait for her to come around. he loved her so much. it broke my heart.

it made me wish and hope that i could (if it ever comes down to that in my own family), just use the money that it would cost for a home, to make a suite in our home and pay for a homecare nurse to come to our place. i hope i remember that later on in life when it seems like it would be more convenient to let someone go into a home. but seriously, if it shortens their life and totally changes who they are, yikes.

i feel weird thinking about these things when i'm not even 30 yet! but i guess thats just the way i am.

i lost

2007-09-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

ok. i'm disappointed and trying not to get too despairing about things that dont really even matter.

i was in a sit up challenge. i lost momentum at one point because of some comments that devalued my contribution and then i never really got it back. i was able to pull ahead, but in the end, i lost the drive that i had and thus, lost. my goal was to finish the 10,000 by the time i leave for vacation, which i will still do, although i feel like being a big baby and throwing in the towel and saying "whats the point now?"

i really wish i didnt listen to what people say...or didnt interpret what people say and the way they say it. i wish my confidence never wavered. i wish i never self-doubted. i wish i could stand firm in my own thoughts and intentions and not let things get me down. its so weird to have these melancholy moments when i think i am generally exceptionally happy. maybe its just my emotions needing to take a break or something...

ok: things to celebrate: baby ezekiel is sleeping right now. so i should be too. my husband is awesome and continues to impress me each week. my daughter is so fun, smart, learning, growing, and just like me (so many people tell me that: "your daughter looks EXACTLY like you." just like people always told me i looked exactly like my mom). and, i'm going rockclimbing with my derek for the first time in a looooong time and i'm so excited. and we got a free portrait studio package tonight because they lost our first round of pictures from last week. and only four more work days until derek and i will have many many days together!

wow, that really helped.

ciao

thoroughly annoyed with...

2007-08-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

me.

so i'm usually my biggest fan, but lately i'm feeling a little fed up.

see, i really want to lose eight to ten more pounds. i have a "free" weight watchers membership but i was busy on several thursdays in a row and was not able to attend the meetings. for me, i definitely need accountability to stick with things or competition...and i am receiving neither (derek refuses to try to lose weight with me ha ha).

i know that the program can work for me. it has in the past. this round, i was able to lose 20lbs but at this point some of that has crept back on. i'm still in a safe zone, but i can see how it is slowly creeping back to where i dont want it to be.

i feel like if i was to be paying for this program, maybe i would take it more seriously, but then on the other hand, if there is a box of cookies in the house, i can easily eat 4 a day which is close to 20 points (i get 32 points a day, so that doesnt leave me with too many to eat actual good food with) with guilt after each cookie.

its difficult for me, knowing that it worked before, and recently, to keep willing myself to make it work now. i just really want the cookies, or chips or whatever. i can make some good choices in a day, and then i bail on that plan. argh. i'm not used to having such little self control.

my excuses are:
i'm tired/haven't slept through the night in 10 months at least, if not 3 years.
i've got two kids to watch.
i'm busy. i havent made time to exercise lately because i'm working on other things, like napping routines (and stroller rides to the park usually equal napping in the stroller for ezekiel). its been raining alot.
i'm in a sit up comptetition so that's some exercise even though its not helping with weight loss or my clothes fitting better because i eat more cookies.
i'm a horrible person who cant stick to anything even when i know it could totally work.
counting points gets tiresome; doing the Core plan means you have to count points for things that arent on the plan, like breads, cookies, etc.
i just dont want to.
even though i'm mostly happy, i get lonely, bored and a little depressed and when i'm annoyed that the kids dont go to bed, i eat. then when they actually go to bed, i eat more.
i look fine. i'm a fine weight. i'm definitely not obese, i just kinda want my clothes to fit better.

some possible solutions would be:
if i took all the money i spend on snacks and cookies and used it to pay the $4 for childcare at the gym, i could get a good workout.
forget about it. just eat and eat and eat until i gain back the 40lbs i lost and then i'll really want to do something about it.
go to the meetings regularly, no matter what; make a date for myself every week and just do it. it is a support group for weight loss after all.
setting a goal (oh wait, i tried that, 2 lbs a week for 4 weeks, that was 2 weeks ago and i've lost less than a pound so far).

that's it.

Lisa Hill and the Bridge to Terabithia

2007-06-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

we just finished watching the movie for the Bridge to Terabithia. i read the book when i was quite young because i knew that my brother really liked it and it wasn't about science (most of what he read when i was in elementary school were things that i was definitely not interested in).

i remember it being such a shocking story. that left me feeling like the story was totally not resolved. i thought derek would really like it (which i think he did, but he said "too sad, too sad."). i also think its more difficult to watch things like that when you have a daughter.

i checked wikipedia bto find out if the movie had strayed significantly from the story. although, it did seem to keep to the main story, i read some interesting factoids like:

Controversy
Because of the novel's content it has been the frequent target of censors and appears on the American Library Association list of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990-2000 at number nine.^[4]
The censorship attempts stem from death being a part of the plot,^[5]^[6] Jess' frequent use of the word "lord" outside of prayer,^[7] and concerns that the book promotes secular humanism and New Age religions, occultism, Satanism,^[8]^[7] and for accusations of sexual content.

i also remembered that i interpreted the relationship between the kids to be totally "just friends" and nothing more, but the wikipedia plot summary said they both had crushes on each other.

it was especially interesting to find out the story behind the story...

dora rules my life

2007-06-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

well, sometimes it feels like that.

i'm groggy, i prepare breakfast, get my coffee ready and alas, it is time for dora (7.40am).

then we get going with our day, maybe visit a playgroup, go to the park, go grocery shopping, home for a nap.

then what? snack time (usually apple and cheese) and dora again...(4pm).

then its a short wait until daddy's home. so until then, we work on our dora puzzles.

online shopping find...

2007-06-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

Amazing Amanda
Amazing Amanda expresses real emotion, engages in two-way communication and interacts with all her play pieces. She takes nurturing play to a new level, she knows when it’s time to eat, sleep and play.

here's a funny mommy

2007-05-28T15:46:00.001-07:00

mom's song

its time for the facebook post

2007-05-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

i know, just about everyone who has joined facebook has had to write about their emotional journey into the past...my personal observations are:

1. i had WAY too many crushes...many, not all, of the guys that i have reconnected with were former crushes. crushes from gradeschool, crushes from camp, crushes that lasted one day, crushes that lasted years--pining from afar (well, those ones i usually dont actually connect with--just in case they knew i had a crush on them and then think i am searching them out to see "what if?" and am not the happily married woman that i can assure you that i am).

2. i am still scared to contact some people who were super mean back then. they might be nice now, maybe they would like to know what i am up to these days but i would prefer to wait until they ask me to be "friends" just to avoid "the burn."

3. i have learned that if i truly believe that people can change, like how i know i have changed, i need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they have too.

4. my brother and i have alot of friends in common, which he said annoys him, but i think its a testimony that we were good friends. his friends are usually curious to know what his "little sister" is up to and my friends are all lucky enough to be his friend anyway.

5. where have all the Christians gone? well, from my youth group days, there are not many left, let me tell you. i know i had my 8 months or so away from the faith, but i really thought more people would make it through the 20s with the same faith that we used to share. i am very glad that i still believe and want to live for what i have believed for so long. heartbreak really shook me up and caused me to doubt and take a step away. but i came back, after taking a break, and found that there was no other way for me. it was an interesting journey for me, as i was always a big doubter, but when i returned to my faith, the doubting ended. but there is still hope, some new Christians have surfaced, and some of the old ones seem to be in that time of doubt or disallusionment right now, so it may not be totally over yet. i have always been a very forward person, so out of curiousity, i have asked some if they are "still Christian" but some have ignored the question, while others have been very honest and open about what they are thinking about that right now.
SIDE NOTE: i am also surprised at the number of pastor friends derek and i have; and we have also both noticed many who are ex-pastors already (early 30s); and the number of people who are obviously not cool with the term Christian, so they come up with some other snappy way of saying the same thing...post modernism perhaps?

6. my husband and i are so different. its really cute to see him enjoying facebook too. for YEARS he has been trying to find one or two people in particular. so i am so pleased that he has finally reconnected with them (google searches never came through for him all these years). he is also very silly with some of his friends. he is getting "pokes" from one person all the time. its very silly.

7. my latest M.O. for facebook is to write a note when i am interested in becoming "friends" so that its not just a random request but somewhat personalized. i have talked with one of my local friends here who finds it offensive when a friend who she hasnt talked to in years just invites her and doesnt write anything. i dont totally see it that way, because when i first got started i added people thru email addresses, so it was a group invite the first time, out of my inexperience.

8. as long as my blog is not getting totally neglected, i think its okay for me.

9. i have some great girl friends that i have missed over the years who i can have short chats with that seem somewhat easier to do than thru email. so thats been great! and they have written such nice comments on my wall, so flattering :D hee hee

10. the limited profile: so far i think i only have one "friend" that put me on a very limited profile. yah, it feels weird, since they can see mine--and i used to be able to see their full profile. they probably dont look at my page anymore. its situations like that that make me think maybe we are not really "friends".

11. very cool connections have been made with some who i was not necessarily close to back in the day, but now, we have more in common (usually because of kids) and so we can relate much better. and its fun now that my list has expanded to some of my aunts and cousins that i have not been as close to. i would love to be closer to them so when i see them, we can have fun together and it will feel more natural to chat in person.

there were definitely alot of emotional issues and self-doubt that surfaced in my first few weeks on facebook. now that some time has passed and i know how it all works, i feel much more stable and in control. some of my first conversations with old friends were pretty weird, i am sure they could tell i was "new" to the whole thing...

how many cats...???

2007-05-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

i got a call today from a pet adoption agency asking me if it is okay for our tenants to adopt another cat. they have three cats. when they lived with us the first time, they had two cats, and adopted the third without our knowing. which caused us to make sure to let future tenants to "discuss" with us if they want to get a pet. personally, i think three cats is too much (and this comes from someone who had two cats, a dog and a ferret, when we moved into our house).

so i called and told one of them that i think three is alot already, and that we are not comfortable having anymore down there. she said "that sucks. but okay." because they were hoping to balance out the gender ratio of the cats.

i told derek what i had done, and he sounded not that okay with it. i dont know exactly why, but i expect it is something to the effect that we like these renters and do not want to upset them in any way so that they might leave.

so i did some more research to find out how many cats are permitted per homestead in our town.

it turns out, its FIVE cats per home. okay, so they have three, we have one, if they get another, we are maxed out in cats. i called the local animal control to ask if it is five per suite or five total in the house, explaining that i really dont want them to get another cat, but legally, in the Rental Tenancy Act, after you have accepted a tenant, you are not allowed to restrict them from owning pets (even if you have a NP policy). so, she said, it would be five for the entire house.

good. i called the tenant back to say, i looked into the legal rights for the cats, and if she got a fourth cat, our household would be maxed out and then if we wanted to get diedre a kitten one day, we wouldnt be able to, so the "no" still stands.

hopefully they dont move out on account of poor little Fourthy.

lots of things to write, i will try to compartmentalize...

2007-05-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

i keep thinking of things i want to write about, but never take the time. both kids are sleeping right now (and probably shouldnt be as it is 4.30pm) so i will take a quick second to ignore my untidy house and write...

its just our time

2007-05-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

we are trying to survive on one income.

i think it is a noble cause. i want to be fully available to my kids and be there to see all the great things they are learning. i want to teach them lifeskills and watch them having fun.

i don't really feel like i'm giving anything up right now. i haven't been really "spendy" for years. it comes and goes and usually only comes in the form of eating out (which can all add up). i feel a bit like a robot who just constantly has to say "no" to my wants, so much that they have kind of dissapated, so when i do get some money (gifts or when derek gets a good bonus) i have to really think about what i will spend it on. i guess all those years of derek being a supervisor have creeped into my homelife; somehow he is keeping us motivated and working as a team. so we celebrate as a team too.

my financial contribution is to do some transcription work, to follow a budget, look for a deal (which i love doing), to pay bills, to make sure money is in the right places at the right times and to keep derek aprised of our banking situations.

if it weren't for debt i think we would absolutely be able to survive on derek's income. but for now, he is working on most weekends and some evenings. that is probably the worst of it. i'm working extra too. one of my girlfriends said she views our job (SAHM) as the same "office hours" as our husbands. anytime outside of that is to be shared and negotiated (for free time and hobbies). things don't exactly work that way around here, since when derek takes an evening or saturday to work, he can make alot more money alot faster than i can right now.

its very tiring for both of us. but i have tried to show my support by saying i'm prepared for him to work weekends for a year to get us out of this situation. i also try to be supportive by not complaining when he comes home and then has to get right back to work after a short visit. this is the hardest part for me. i miss him so much and i want his company for me and the kids, more than i need his help. somehow, the Lord is keeping us connected as a couple. i think we go for weeks of hard times, then have a great weekend hanging out and it helps us keep going until the next time. this weekend will be like that i believe.

a huge thing i'm working on and learning is to not claim his free time. to try to let him do what he wants/needs to do without hassling him. whenever he has "free time" i usually try to put my own expectations on it. i start making plans in my head and then get soooo disappointed and mad when he says he has to go out in the yard and do whatever he has been planning in his head. i can see that part of it is that he probably needs to have some free time where he is responsible only to himself. also he does have things to do that i can't do (because i needed to be available for nursing) or don't want to do, but i want done, around the house. i guess there is really alot of pressure on both of us. writing this out gives me more empathy for his situation as the main financial provider.

i look at it like its just our time to go through hard knocks. most older couples have been there. when the kids are little, the dad had to work two jobs to pay for the mortgage and expenses. i believe its just our time and if we handle it well, and don't just get into a cycle of debt that keeps recurring, then there will be an end. thats what i'm banking on ha ha

anyway, kids are up now, we're going to the first of three mother's day events: a family dinner at playgroup tonight, a family breakfast at church EARLY (8am), trip to the zoo, and a brunch on sunday with my parents.

A Whole Bunch O' Questions

2007-02-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

i was tagged by Michelle:

1) Are your parents married or divorced? divorced when i was 2
2) Are you a vegetarian? no
3) Do you believe in Heaven? yes
4) Have you ever come close to dying? no
5) What jewellery do you wear 24/7? My wedding rings
6) Favorite time of day? napping with the kids
7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? somewhat
8) Do you wear makeup? yes, when i want to look more awake :D
9) Ever have plastic surgery? No
10) Do you color your hair? i currently have lowlights
11) What do you wear to bed ? pajamas (i like wearing long pj pants to bed and need button down tops for nursing)
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes--speeding :D but my favorite thing would be when we used to jump the fence and hang out in the public swimming pool in white rock back in the day
13) Can you roll your tongue? Yes
14) Do You Tweeze your eyebrows? No, i like my eyebrows alot...although i wonder what they would say on "What Not To Wear" because i watched several back to back episodes where they lightened eyebrows to bring out the eyes...
15) What kind of sneakers? sale shoes
16) What is your Hair color? although some "friends" have said my hair is brown (:( ) my hairstylist friend says i have dark blonde hair (and she knows colour) and i have light blond lowlights in it right now.
17) Future child's name? we dont discuss names publicly
18) Do you snore? when i'm stuffed up or way way overtired...i dont think i get into a deep enough sleep these days with a newborn.
19) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Paris, France
20) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No (baby and husband fill up the bed at this point)
21) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? pay off debts
22) Hamburger or hot dog? hamburger
23) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? the house salad from the Roadhouse Eatery in White Rock...it has goat cheese and carmelized pecans...and the portions are huge (although if that was all i could ever eat, i probably wouldnt eat huge portions at a time...)
24) City, beach or country? Country (wow! i cant believe i wrote that...i think at this stage i just really like privacy and quiet...two things that i dont get too often in this house!)
25) What was the last thing you touched? keyboard
26) Where did you eat last? livingroom
27) When's the last time you cried? a month ago maybe...
28) Do you read blogs? yes
29) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? no.
30) Ever been involved with the police? yes...speeding tickets and i took a polygraph test once...that was very fun. there was a robbery at the ticket kiosk i worked at in Whistler. i like to think they chose to test the person they thought was most guilty and the one they thought was least likely (me, ha ha). anyway, the policeman said "wow, you're body really does not like to lie!" because its really all about how your body reacts to the stress of lying versus telling the truth.
31) What's your favorite shampoo conditioner? Fructis but i tried one of the Bedhead shampoo conditioners and really liked that.
32) Do you talk in your sleep? yes
33) Ocean or pool? pool...the ocean here is pretty stinky and yucky...i'm totally over the whole swim in the ocean thing, at least here, maybe if it was somewhere where the sand was white and the water was light blue, it might seem a little cleaner...
34) What's your favorite song at the moment? "The Letter B" (off of "All Star Alphabet")
35)What's your favorite color(s)? burgundy
36) Window seat or aisle? Window
37) Do you feel you have had a truly successful life? Definitely. I have a wonderful family, my husband is perfect for me, i am truly happy and my faith in God has grown and is still an integral part of my life.
38) Do you like beer or wine? wine.
39) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
40) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? oprah
41) Basketball or Football? Basketball
42) How long do your showers last? 5-7 minutes if i'm not washing my hair, 20 minutes if i am (my hair is so long right now...its hard to get all the soap out)
43) Automatic or do you drive a stick? i drive stick. i used to think it was cool but i would much rather have an automatic from now on. standard totally caused braxton hicks for me when i was pregnant and its alot harder to multitask with standard...or alot more dangerous.
44) Cake or ice cream? Cake.
45) Have you ever drank so much you threw up? no.
46) Have you ever given money to a tramp? by "tramp" i assume the question means "poor beggar" and if so, yes
47) Have you been in love? Yes, i am more in love now then ever and i do believe its a choice so i look forward to watching it grow hee hee.
48) Where do you wish you were? Right here, right now.
49) Are you wearing socks? yes. i love socks. i love comfy socks. they make me feel like my feet are getting a hug and since i'm on my feet all day i need the padding.
50) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? i dont think so...
51) Can you tango? maybe
52) Last gift you received? bath stuff
53 ) Last sport you played? bowling
54) Things you spend a lot of money on? diapers and milk!
55) Where do you live? british columbia
56) Where were you born? british columbia
57) Last wedding you went to? maria & colin
58) Favorite fast food restaurant? taco del mar
59) Most loved food(s): goat cheese, steak, toblerone, berries, pickles, grapes
60) Most hated food(s): brussel sprouts, greasy foods, pretzels, snack mix (super salty snacks)
61)What's your least favorite chore? Cleaning the toilet
62) Can you sing? Yes
63) Last person you text messaged? my brother
64) Last place you went on holiday? Ontario
65) Favorite regular drink? Water.

11 days to go

2006-11-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

wow, i'm almost at 10 days to go!!!

i should have been sleeping for the last 3 hours but i got woken up by the tenants arriving to move in (i had to give them a key) and then i just couldn't get various nesting ideas out of my head (storage room--you're next on my list!!!). diedre is still asleep and its been 3.5 hours, this is the longest she may have ever slept. derek is also sleeping as he was up until 5am, then i woke him at 8am after i got more reno supplies from Home Depot and we both worked for 2 more hours in the suite.

i am feeling tired, but okay. i think i will probably wake derek up when diedre gets up so we can spend the afternoon together--imagine that!? its been awhile! my poor guy has been doing double duty these days and i'm so glad he will get a little rest before baby2 comes...although for all the work i've been putting in, baby2 might be coming sooner than we thought (or so i can hope).

i'm going to try putting diedre to be in her new room (if we deem it safe, i'm a little worried about her new dresser being tippy and some of the other furniture as well, so we'll have to secure it to the wall or something).

anyway, i'm enjoying my final days of pregnancy. it hurts, its heavy, i have a hard time walking when i first get up from sitting or lying down and by night time i am seriously hobbling around--but the baby is moving tons still, i think it dropped down even lower the other day (i felt a strange pressure on my bowels all of a sudden) and i'm excited! i'm enjoying my time with diedre and am looking forward to seeing how she handles this change in her life and mommy time.

xo
amanda

diedre's up!

6 weeks to go!

2006-10-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

Michelle tells me its time to update so while Degrassi the next generation is on tv (my latest lunchtime ritual) i will express my inner thoughts on my current and upcoming state of affairs.

6 weeks to go is really exciting.

the birth
i'm nervous about leaving diedre for one to two days...we spend all our time together so it will feel weird to not have her around. i don't want her to be sad :(
i guess thats why home births would be nice, a real family affair, but i really want my doctor there. i could not imagine having my baby without him there.
i really want diedre to be able to come meet the baby as soon as possible, before any friends or anyone else. since its "our family." i really want her to feel special and involved...i know she's young, but i just know i'll miss her so much.

i'm also nervous about getting poked and prodded when its time to get internals again...ugh...and of course labour. i am hoping it goes much much faster and that the baby is not posterior...speaking of which, i better get on my hands and knees and scrub that kitchen floor (thats supposed to help keep the baby in position).

parenting
as usual, diedre is still a delight to parent. she is picking up new words all the time and unless she is sick, she is a really happy and quite obedient child. we have definitely had a few days where she's been terrible and i'm on top of everything she does, but teaching her to listen to mommy and daddy is so important that i know i gotta just do it. i'm really working on teaching her to listen on the first try. i dont want to be a "thats one" "thats two" "two and a half" "ok, you're in trouble missy" kind of parent. i think to listen immediately is important with the amount of mobility she has, i dont want her running to the road. i dont know if what i'm doing works, but thats what i do: if she doesnt listen, i remove her from the situation or do a time out or whatever discipline can or needs to be done right away.

learning to co-parent is always a challenge. i think we are doing better and better all the time. its such a learning experience. i'm with her more, so i do most of the disciplining and teaching. i really make an effort to not question what derek does in front of her and just decide if it matters or not, then talk to him later about it. i used to always be like "derek! what are you doing?!" which was not good for him or her...oops. anyway, i admit my fault and move on to a better way (most of the time).

the house
we have furniture to get diedre's room set up. my good friends bought us a toddler bed (they said it got thrown in with a bunch of stuff they bought at a garage sale on sunday) and andrew and heather gave us a dresser. i also got a toybox and shoe/coat rack thingy from another friend's neighbour. i'm really excited to get her room set up so we can start cleaning all the baby stuff (car seat, swing, bouncy seat, etc) and put it in the baby's room so diedre can play with it and get used to it being around. as well as being used to her new room and toddler bed and such. its alot of transitions so we gotta get on it soon. i really think it will be ok, because it will be our old room...i suppose if we'd planned ahead a little better we could have avoided ALL of us switching rooms, but our bedroom now is medium sized, good for diedre, and our new bedroom is a den with a sliding glass door to the backyard and deck (so traffic to go outside will go through our room).

we were very blessed to get some paint from our friends. they gave us four shades of yellow. we are looking forward to getting it on the walls.

our suite is currently vacant and we are really hoping to have it rented by the fifteenth. we are planing to lay tile, put in a new vanity and a white toilet (i'm getting it free from craigslist, my stepdad is picking it up tonight and bringing it over). of course we want to put other new floors in but don't have the money since we don't have renters. we'll see what we can do.

being landlords is another learning experience:
1. Never take "yes, i want to take it" as a real "yes" until the money is in hand! (i'm sure everyone is saying "duh, of course not" but its pretty exciting to have someone say they want it after doing soooo many showings...it gets tiring to have to not trust ANYONE's word...so i let one call go "i'm pretty sure its taken" when in fact, it was not).
2. Get all damage in writing, take pictures. The RTA site has a great checklist now for damage, do a thorough walk through first, both sign it, then do one upon move out so you know exactly the condition and the damage.
3. Don't show the suite with tenants home if possible. my tenant was sick in bed "cough cough, come on in, its fine." i guess i should have communicated better with them. i did not NEED to show it on days that they were sick in bed--but i didnt know they were! i did not need to show it on days when they were using the master bedroom and wouldnt allow us to show it--but i didnt know they would not honor our predetermined "showings schedule." next time, i hope i will remember to lay it all out: if they need to break the date, fine, just let me know. dont tell me when there are people at the door waiting for their appointment. And i would probably request that they tidy up a bit more...that may be overstepping boundaries for the landlord, but i paid for three weeks of ads to show a dirty smelly suite...not so nice.

we really did have great tenants, just upon leaving things were not so good.

anyway, gotta go visit my baby now! i hope this is enough to keep you all informed!
ciao

3 months to go!!!

2006-08-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

its amazing but true, this baby has been growing and growing and only has 3 months to go before birth!

i'm finally feeling better, more energetic (i still "need" my coffee most days) and pretty optimistic about the future growth of our family.

i am gaining weight now and able to eat almost anything. i wish weight was not such an issue for me. i know when i was at my ideal weight, i really felt like i had body image issues under control and it was perfect timing to have a daughter...but the past year has been hard. my body has changed so much, there is some permanent damage from childbearing. i think the stage my body is in now is great because the belly has grown enough that it is hard and not flabby at all, but i know i'm just going to get bigger and bigger.

it was really nice for me to not gain weight until later in the pregnancy, but i know its inevitable and healthy to do so, but its still a little humbling. with my first pregnancy, i pretty much gave up eating healthy the last trimester and ate burgers and fries alot. i gained 7lbs one WEEK. it was pretty crazy. although the doctor said it was water retention more likely than from all the peanut butter cookies i'd eaten (although, i assured him, i ate ALOT of pb cookies).

at this stage, i've gained 10lbs so if i gain 1lb or less per week the rest of the pregnancy (14 weeks), i will be right on track. i will try to be disciplined and eat healthy and then i'll know its all happening as it should be. i'm pretty doubtful that i will only gain 1lb per week. i guess i feel more confident or that i know its my responsibility to eat healthy, and if i don't, i know i will pay for it later and be annoyed that the weight isn't coming off, etc...so its a toss up, each time i want a cookie :)
***
diedre has been falling asleep in my arms for nearly one month after being sick for several weeks and then travelling. but this week i've really been trying to get her back into falling asleep on her own. there is a little crying, but each night or naptime it becomes less and less.

i'm so glad diedre is finally healthy and back into a rountine. we are really loose with some aspects of her routine, but having the "falling asleep" skill is sooo helpful! i'm feeling more rested because of it and last night was perfect. derek and i were able to watch a show then visit without me holding her asleep because she was already in her crib. derek and i have not spent 2 hours together (alone) in the evening before 10pm in forever!!! so it was great.

diedre's also been sleeping a little longer than her usual 9 hours which is awesome. i've been jealous all year of my friends' kids who sleep 12 or more hours per night, plus long naps! but if she can sleep 11 hours then i'm laughing! now is the time, or rather, from now on that it would be so helpful if she was consistent with the longer sleep so i can get the final 3 months of rest before baby2 arrives.

i guess thats probably a sufficient update at this point. thanks for reading :)

ciao

sick, sick, sick

2006-07-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

argh, nothing beats being sick like being really sick...

diedre got a nasty medley of illnesses the other week (ear infection #4, throat infection, and croupy cough) so i had a very boring long weekend sitting and watching Baby Einstein or other kid movies with her. she started to get better mid-week, just when a terrible "croupy" cough started happening in my throat and chest.

it is now more of a head cold with a terrible cough that makes me pee sometimes (well, you try coughing for 5 days and nights and see if you can hold it together the whole time!). its very frustrating and i havent been getting good nighttime sleep or much rest at all during the day. its been really challenging and by the time i'm better, derek will have this too probably.

today i feel so-so. i was able to have a steamy shower (to loosen the chest congestion) and then a really yummy and healthy smoothy for breakfast, followed by a hot coffee. it really helped. i'm at the rudolf stage, where i have a constantly running nose and a very evil sneeze too!!! thats when it all comes out...icky

anyway, i've had better days. 5 days of this has been too much. but i just keep thinking i gotta get better one of these days. and i'm sure i will.

tonight, we will be celebrating my mom's birthday (its on wednesday) so hopefully our little family is not contagious or anything...we will have to keep our distance from the mellengers and my parents too.

derek and diedre are still napping, but i think we need to go soon since its a good hour to get to white rock. hopefully the nap will help derek feel better for today.

ciao

braxton hicks already?

2006-06-04T15:05:00.001-07:00

i was lying on my back and i felt my womb tightening. i dont know how to write this without it sounding gross, but i could feel my womb, with my hands, the size of a melon. it was kind of cool, kind of painful. i dont think its anything to worry about, but yikes, 16 weeks, thats pretty early to be getting contractions :)

i went to a dietician on friday. it was quite interesting. i learned a few things:

1. skim milk has all the calcium i need in it. i thought when pregnant, i should drink a higher percentage for the fat content, but oh no no, she assured me, i need fat, but not milk fat. good fats, like fish oils or olive oil.
2. i should not eat any tuna. i thought that was just an old wives tale/urban myth and that a little tuna was ok. apparently NO, not at all. too much mercury for preg woman.
3. out of the 4 food groups, i was only eating enough grains. not enough fruit/veg, dairy or meat/alternatives...bad. she said it was especially important that i get 3 servings of meat/alternatives because protein helps build cells. she said even big men that come to her are only allowed 2 servings, only pregnant women get 3 servings.
4. i think she said cottage cheese does not have a significant amount of calcium and is therefore a pretty useless food. i dont like it anyway.

she also dissed weight watchers alot. i hate it when health professionals are always dissing things or other doctors. we started out the meeting in a pretty condescending way, but i stuck to my convictions...it went a little something like this:

dietician: why are you here?
me: well, i dont want to gain another 50lbs this time. i also thought you might have some ideas of what i could eat to help me with morning sickness. i dont really know what you have to offer but i'd like to see what you have to say.

d: so you haven't lost all the weight?

me: no, i know thats normal...like lots of people dont lose all their weight...

d: its normal?? [sarcastic guffaw]

me: well, i think it might be because i just stopped breastfeeding recently.

d: where are you getting your information from??? [sarcastic condescension]

me: from my dr. i lost 30lbs within 3 weeks of her birth. the rest has not come off at all (except for when i got really sick and lost 5 lbs). my dr. said it probably had to do with my body retaining fat for breastfeeding.

d: well, thats only like 10lbs or 5lbs maybe [guffaw]

me: ya, that sounds about right.

d: so you were 140 when you got pregnant? and thats a healthy weight for you?

me: i was, but i think 150 is a more comfortable weight for me. i think i was a bit too thin at 140.

d: ok, so thats the 10lbs for breastfeeding.

me: (in my head--that's what i'm saying!!!)

anyway, i didnt walk out or anything, just figured she's one of those experts that has to be right about everything, and my dr. knows squat.

pet peeve of mine. condescending professionals...barf

anyway, baby is kicking once in awhile, not necessarily daily that i notice but its nice.

my mom & stepdad are on their way from Ontario! its so exciting to have them moving here. they are sending us text messages to update their location. they are in terrace bay tonight b/c of car troubles which are all fixed now. they hope to be here june 13th at the latest. yay!!!

ciao

shameless self-promotion. ie. quiz

2006-06-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

~

i hesitate in posting my results from this quiz...i saw it on Leah's blog.

What kind of jewel are you?

Amethyst

You are the epitome of loveliness. Your friends secretly hope to learn from you what makes you so beautiful, both inside and out.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

sensitvity

2006-05-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

two things i don't like about pregnancy:
frequent peeing and oversensitivity.

first, i have officially entered the frequent peeing zone...i don't remember it happening until the very end last time, but this time, every time i stand up, i gotta go. we were watching a movie last night and i probably went 5 to 6 times. its ridiculous!

secondly, i'm oversensitive as it is, i don't need anymore!

lately, i keep getting insulted by the reactions of other kids or moms to diedre at playgroup. a little girl said "i don't like her, she bites me." (which diedre has never done, and i'm pretty sure hadn't. i looked for teeth marks). the little girls mom assured me that it is just something her daughter says sometimes, ie. "i dont like her, she has an ugly shirt." or whatever.

or today, diedre made this weird screeching noise, that we affectionately call her pterodactyl sound, or we say she is being a pterodactyl. and another mom said "wow, she is noisy." but it was the first sound she made! other kids are constant noise, diedre just lets out a good prehistoric screech every once in awhile, and she's noisy?! ha

see!?! i'm too sensitive. what does it matter? that mom might've said something without really thinking that it might not be a nice thing to say. i know i've done that hundreds of times. i remember when i was pregnant with diedre i would try to get myself psyched up to be tough and would say i need "rhino skin" all the time (thick skin) and my blogfather said something like, you are just fine the way you are, you don't need to be a rhino. but it is too stressful for me to be so sensitive. i want stuff to roll off my back like water off a duck's back. even if i am at all justified to feel hurt or bothered by the reactions of these other kids or parents, its really not about me or diedre.

i know she is "the best" to me and derek and her grandparents and maybe auntie m (diedre's her only niece) and i know that each parent feels the same about their own kid. i cannot expect any different from other parents, i can only control my own behavior, reactions, words, etc. but it sure is harder when i'm pregnant.

when i was pregnant last time, i felt like i was 14 again (those were the days, eh michelle--) with a hurricane of emotions, a mixture of manipulation, control and bewilderedment--i didn't know why i could be sugary sweet one moment and queen bee...yotch the next. it was a strange strange time, one i was soooo glad to grow out of, and so shocked to find i was emotionally back there somewhat when pregnant!

anyhoo, the second time around its not such a shocker. i know what to do. i know i can pray and ask any of you to, too (please) because i know that God has changed who i am soooooo much and He is my only hope!

oh, good news! i felt my baby kick on friday night! it was very fluttery and went on for a minute or two. no denying. its just the beginning, those special kicks that only i can feel. i'm feeling so tired these days, i'm a little scared of what it will be like to have two kids, but i'm getting so excited to meet this little one. i know diedre will be a fun big sister. she is such a special kid to us and is learning so much all the time.

end post

new entry

2006-05-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

ha ha, i wonder how long it will take before this title is inappropriate!

anyway, i've been getting a few comments requesting that i post here. i know you check my other blog with all the cute pictures, but i guess you're yearning for my inner thoughts :)

so, i'm 15 weeks pregnant. its been a tougher pregnancy so far than diedre's was. i am more sick and having way more food aversions (who thought cheese and crackers would turn my stomach!). anyway, i'm coping pretty well but haven't put on any "new" weight for this one yet (which is ok with me & the dr. because i still have some leftovers from diedre's pregnancy).

lately, i've been dealing with the beginnings of discipline. its really tricky with such a young kid. i am not prepared to spank yet (as i don't believe she would "get it") so so far she gets a firm warning, maybe a hand tap (if its dangerous: playing with electrical cords or outlets), and usually some time alone (as in one minute or so...really just removing her from the situation).

i stopped nursing about one month ago now. it was a very emotional time for me. i went back on it one day because i missed it and then i just tried to keep diedre away from me during her "nursing" times. she never seemed to miss it, until she got sick, but she didn't persist.

i've been making some friends here in town. its going much better now that i have decided to just take it slow and be "ok" with acquaintances. there is one girl who is so much like me in her honesty and way of asking questions. so we get into some very deep and personal stuff. its interesting because i need to be careful i don't violate myself by disclosing more than i should with someone i've only known for two months. but i can totally see me in her, when she asks some personal probing questions; i remember doing that alot. now, i think i hold back on what i ask people because i know that some people do not have strong enough boundaries to decide if something is too personal or not. so i try to respect where the person is coming from with how i ask questions, to protect them in a way.

i often say "i'm trying to make a life for myself here" in our new town. i think it is really important to be committed to where you are. i remember when i first moved to whistler, when derek and i were dating, i would always talk about my White Rock friends or go down to visit every second week. then one day the pastor said to me "are you going to be here or are you going to be there?" he was trying to encourage me to put my energy into our new life, not trying to keep one foot in the new and one foot in the old.

its hard when you leave your best friends for a new life. its so easy to idealize what you had, but when you return, its never the same. and good, because i changed so much in the 2.5 years i was living in whistler. and now we have been separated from some of our closest friends again (except for one couple that lives here too) but of course, its different, we are all older and have kids now and we don't hang out 5 nights a week anymore.

i really like this stage of life. i love building a family with derek. i love planning our next project on the house (usually out of necessity: laundry area, bathroom; or free stuff: hardwood floors). i really feel like we've made a nice home together, now i just need to get organized and keep it cleaner! its clean enough for me and diedre, but if someone was to "drop by" (no one ever has yet) i would be a little embarassed.

i love watching diedre grow and having "the lights turn on" when she learns something new. its so amazing to me. here are a few examples:

1. we were driving and i hear her yell "a truck" (first time) and i look beside me and there is a big truck. (she yells "a" before most things: "a ball" "a dad" "a kitty" "a doll")
2. i gave her a snack and sat her on her new chair at her little table. later i used the same dish to put dinner in, and i look over and she has sat herself down on the chair (first time) all ready to eat. so cute!
3. after months of us spoon feeding her, derek gave her a spoon and she totally fed herself. awhile back we would try to let her feed herself and it was way to messy.
4. just today, at our parents group, diedre was sitting and eating snack. i put her water cup (no lid) out of her reach (so i thought) and went to get more snack. when i got back she had the cup and there was a little spill on the table. i felt her shirt and it was dry. the other parents told me she drank from the cup by herself. so i let her try again and she took several drinks perfectly! i was so impressed.

this might seem really weird to any of you without kids, but its these little things that we can all do, that i get so thrilled about watching her learn. its also exciting because we taught her how!

ok, i hope that does it friends :) thanks for caring about me

xo ciao

lately life has been...

2006-03-24T16:14:00.000-08:00

well, its been so long since i've posted. lots has happened, diedre turned one. that was a great day, a little sad, a little hectic (lots of house guests), then i lost all my pictures (scary) but andrew got them all back.

i have completed my first project with stir and am waiting for another one.

i am living in a new town (since september) and the main thing thats going on, i guess, is trying to get to know people. there are few couples from church that i feel i'm connecting with a bit. then there are a few from other mom's groups. i find it hard sometimes because although i dont have a problem striking up a conversation, i am so sensitive, so if someone seems less interested in talking to me the next time i see them, i worry that i came on too strong or something. its weird to be making new friends at this age i guess. i was not afraid of it before, but i just keep telling myself to give it time. take it slow. dont read into what people say. its pretty annoying that i am so easily upset because i think i am usually fairly self-assured.

i guess its like any other "doubts" i've had in my life, i have to write a mental list so that i can tell myself the truth, in order to bring myself back to feeling the truth and assurance. knowing that about myself has helped me with my faith, with my relationship with derek (early stages) and hopefully in this case too.

diedre has been such a joy. i am enjoying watching her learn and grow and i love to watch her play. its so cute.

i also had my first day away from her, last saturday. i was away from her for 10 hours. several girlfriends and i went downtown vancouver to shop and then to a chocolate buffet. it was very very sweet and i got a new outfit for my friend's wedding. i did really well away from diedre, i almost cried when i was having a 3pm snack, b/c i thought "she should be having a snack now!" hee hee
derek also said he enjoyed his special time alone with her. he will get a little more of that on monday night when i go to a wedding shower.

in other news, my mom has found a job out here, tentatively starting july 1st!!! yay! we are so excited to have grandma jen & grandpa richard out here to spend time with.

anyway, i guess i'll get going, baby d should be waking up soon from a nap. she is still napping great! about two 2-hour naps a day.

ciao

expensive fax service

2006-02-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

yikes! after talking it over with derek and joanna about my fax dilemna, i decided to just head to the downtown area and go to a general store to fax.

it cost $2.00 for the first page, and $0.50 each for the additional 14 pages. $9.00!!! that seems like alot to me. i guess you have to spend money to make money.

oh well. if only there was another way...at my old job, i avoided faxing so much that we eventually were able to get our clients to send us "email authorizations." that was much much better.

anyway, i am planning to get in touch with the local thrift store to see if they have tested the fax machines they have there. perhaps i will buy an old one from them.

ciao

i hate fax machines

2006-02-06T14:54:00.000-08:00

i just need a fax machine so i can start my new job. i need to fax them the contract so they can respond with my first job. i guess i'll be running out to buy a fax machine as soon as diedre wakes up from her nap. i better get on the phone to try to find the best deal.

at my previous job, there was this room with a big fax machine dinosaur...i sat for 30 minutes straight waiting for it to FINALLY complete transmission. that is where my hatred began and grew. but then my good friends in the travel department took pity on me and would let me do my faxes through their normal fax machine. much better. much happier. i will hopefully get a machine like theirs. simple, new, logical. thats my plan anyway.

Five Factor Personality Test

2006-02-04T12:57:00.000-08:00

denise did this test and said she was curious to know results from other people.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

30 years ago today

2006-01-31T14:18:00.000-08:00

happy 30th birthday andrew!

me, andrew & our cousin alexa (who is 2 weeks younger than me)

i feel so terrible! i forgot to call andrew on his actual birthday. i NEVER forget his birthday. i guess i usually call early in the morning so he was wondering what happened...my only excuse was i had a bad night last night, only 5 hours of sleep...i hope that gets me off the hook!

anyway, andyroo, its been a great 27 years and 9 and a half months of knowing you! i hope you enjoy these images of our childhood. these are the only good pictures i have of you at that age (mom? do you know what age we are in these photos?).

love you big brother xo

amanda

derek & diedre love you too but they didn't forget your birthday like i did, so don't hold it against them :D happy birthday from them too.

work is right around the corner

2006-01-30T15:01:00.000-08:00

i just got my first official invite into the project website for my new job. i will be a contractor with Stir Communications Group. i don't know what jobs will be given me yet, but i have said i'm available as of feb 1st for 12 hours a week. i'm feeling pretty excited about it now. for awhile i felt like i had forgotten all my internet marketing learning. However, after doing some reading i noticed that not much has changed as far as Search Engine Marketing goes since i've been on mat leave. i feel confident and ready to take on new challenges.

we celebrated my brother's 30th birthday on saturday (his birthday is tomorrow, jan 31). it was really significant for me since i've known him my whole life and he has been such an important person to me. derek's 30th is coming up in a month and a half and diedre's first birthday is in 27 days!!! derek's parents are coming out for her birthday so that should be really fun :)

i should probably go do pilates since diedre is still napping (just over 1 hour so far).

ciao

times are changing

2006-01-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

its so exciting to see the changes going on around us. diedre is changing and that changes our schedules too. she requires more interaction and attention as she hands us book after book to read, or crawls over for a hug every couple of minutes. its such a blessing and so amazing to see the changes in her. learning new words, practicing sounds, falling asleep easily (yay!!!). i feel so thankful for the time we've had with her so far. what an amazing experience this has been. to have a daughter, to be a mother. i love it.

i cant help but feel a little melancholy over the times that have gone by, the newborn stage, the little bitty clothes, the helplessness of a little baby. now we see her learning some independance in how she plays and explores her world. she's growing up and she's only 10.5 months...it goes so fast. wowsa. but it is inevitable of course. so i'm ok with that too. she is still very little and has so much to learn. these are fun times. times of change.

no movie before bedtime

2006-01-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

well, no movie yet...and its 9.20pm...

oh well, i did manage to bluff my way through a blog redesign :D

i found that fun piece of art on a free blog skins site and then figured out how to set up the regular blogger template inside of it. i hope the inner scroll bar doesn't annoy anyone too much (oh, i guess thats bad for marketing!) but i couldn't figure out any other way to incorporate that funness into my blog.

ciao

alone, listless, breakfast table in an otherwise empty room

2006-01-14T19:45:00.000-08:00

well, i've been feeling like i need an away-from-home hobby that i can do and give derek an opportunity to hang out with diedre alone. however, derek has hobbies, so he always comes up with an idea first, which leaves me at home alone with diedre instead. joanna and i were trying to come up with an evening idea that we could do once a week, but thats on hold for now because it would cost money and there is too much going on right now (mon-thursdays are busy for either us or them).

derek is out climbing tonight with ben. diedre went to sleep really easily tonight so i have a chance to blog, but i really wanted to go climbing. he thought it would be nice to go out just as "the boys." i guess i could go out when he comes home ha ha. i had so much fun last time we went climbing. derek, ben, diedre & i went. since you have alot of rest time when you go bouldering it worked out really well. i figure derek didnt want to take turns watching diedre at the gym tonight...

i was seriously considering training for the sun run, but there are several obstacles to overcome:
i would prefer to run/train with derek since he has more running experience and is a good motivator. diedre needs to be watched by one of us so running together is a problem.
we could see if the local gym that offers childcare for $2 would take her while we run, but i'm worried that they require that the parents remain in the building (which would make sense, in case of emergency).
maybe this would be a goal better preserved for next year when my mom & richard live near us. wow, the things you can't do when you don't have family nearby.
derek thought maybe we could get together with andrew & heather once a week to run (girls watch the kids, guys run, then switch)...but i guess i want to have a plan to be able to run more than once a week.

i guess i am definitely getting prepared mentally to begin working. i am having so much more energy now that diedre is sleeping all night through (well, most nights, unless i think its 5.45am when really its 2.45am like i did the other night! oops). i have been doubting my ability to jump back into internet marketing or other work tasks lately. However, i find that when people ask me what sorts of things i might be doing i seem to be able to come up with a really good answer (although its pure speculation since my friend hasn't gotten back to me for sure about anything specific for work yet). so thats been making me feel like maybe i still do know my stuff inspite of having a year off!

we are trying to rent out our suite right now. its a scary thing. we really need to get the place rented but we have only advertised at five local churches (last sunday being the first time). i hope we get some more interested after tomorrow (sunday). derek is still working on cleaning it up and touching up paint. he wants to lay tile in the washroom before renting it too, so it looks like it might not be ready until february anyway.

well, i spoke with my brother about the website and he advised me to make a mock-up using the Paint program so i did that yesterday. i think it looks pretty good. i'm looking forward to having something up so i can get going with my company. i have filed so many "nil" tax returns in the last two years, its pretty bad. oh well, at least my company has survived beyond one year!

well, i just hope derek brings home a movie tonight ;)

a new role

2006-01-10T23:10:00.000-08:00

well i am officially NOT going back to work full time at Campus Crusade for Christ. i worked there since september 2002. it was a place where i feel i grew up alot.

i got excited today thinking that i can continue to be around for diedre full time. that i can watch her as she learns new things and be there to teach her.

i hope to do some part time work with my friend's company but that wont be right away (since i still have time on mat leave)...and of course there's still choice climbing, my sadly neglected venture.

i own the domain and my brother said he'd make me a website so i paid for hosting and then when i asked him about it he said "don't you have frontpage?" so i guess that's that for now. i'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog but i know he's really busy so i don't want to pester him with my website need. i would love to learn some basic stuff to be able to get one going but at this point, i don't have a clue how to design one from scratch.

anyhoo, its freeing and exciting to know i wont be going back to "the office" even though there were many good times. i think i will do well at a flexible and varied schedule. i like change and variety so this should work out well, a little parenting, then a little casual work during nap times or when daddio is home to play with diedre.

i have been thinking a bit about how this will change my social life though, so we'll see if adding work into the mix will stress me out. i don't like stress and i hope to be able to avoid it. i figure the main thing i'll be giving up is naps. then derek cant laugh at me and say "how many naps did you have today?" or when i say "i'm tired" and he says "me too, and i didn't get a nap." i don't get alot of sympathy from someone who often gets up before me, works a physically demanding job and then comes home after dark. i must say i do prefer the commute from diedre's room to the living room better than having to drive 20 minutes to an office.

anyway, i'm not sure i'm totally making sense here, but probably michelle and my mom will read this, i don't know if anyone else does...its late so i guess i'll go to bed.

i am feeling very thankful tonight for God's patience with me and love, for derek my match, and for diedre my bright star. my heart is welling up with affection. ciao

live to work or work to live

2006-01-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

i have always been a work to live kind of person...now that my maternity leave is ending and we've decided money is a little tighter than we previously anticipated, i am faced with the "need" to work a little.

i had a conversation with my previous employer and since i'm not returning full time there is no position available for me there. he did say they would keep me in mind if any projects come up that i can do from home over the internet.

i spoke with my former boss, who left the company the same time i did last february. he asked me to send him my availability for the next few months and he said they will most likely have some work i can do for his company too. this option is more immediately promising because he is going down to 4 days a week so there is a definite need for contracting work out.

i was pretty down the few days i had between thinking that i got the royal boot from the company i'd been working at for years, just b/c i can't commit to working full time (the legal obligation of giving me back the same job was as far as they were willing to go because they are trying to cut back on salaried positions). but after talking to both of the aforementioned people i felt much better. i felt at first like all my years of good work were just forgotten and that was that, but now i feel that they did value my work and would be willing to work with me again someday.

anyhoo, with all the exciting things going on in my "real" life, its hard to take anything else too seriously. we are so excited to observe diedre's changes and the beginnings of talking and walking. fun times!

changes from high school til now

2005-12-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

well michelle posed a fine question in the comments section that i might as well blog about a bit.

i think i have changed alot since high school. i think i am more confident, more considerate, more grounded and less naive. well i should hope so on those last three. i am embarrassed to think that people who knew me in high school or college would think that i am still the same. i guess my melancholy side remembers all the mistakes i made back then. too pious, too judgmental, too sheltered, mean, extremely dysfunctional relationships (especially with michelle and a few friends from college), i better stop before i get too depressed :S of course people who knew me on the surface probably had a better impression of me than those close by (unfortunately).

i used to think that people who were sheltered were lame...until i became a mother. why wouldn't i want diedre to be naive about the things of the world. i don't want her to be socially lame but i would love for her to be naive about many things like drugs and alcohol and unhealthy relationships. one thing (of many) that i always appreciated from my mom was her openness with us about her past and mistakes and such. i am glad we have awhile before diedre will be ready to talk about my past and my mistakes! i'm not so sure how to handle sharing those with her. i just hope we can communicate that God's way is best, that He cares so much for her and sets up boundaries for protection and that there is great freedom within those boundaries. we're still learning that too.

its kind of weird how making mistakes was one of the best things to happen to me so that i could become less judgmental. "i am not perfect so why expect others to be." i still believe there is a standard that a Christian should live up to and if they say they are then there should be some evidence. but that's more of an entry point to talk to them about their struggles, rather than a point to write someone off. i totally regret all the mistakes i have made. i wish i had been and wish that i could be perfect, but if no one is perfect, its best that i'm am not either...

life is really different now being a mom. i have gone through times before diedre where i would take time every day to pray and read the Bible but now that she's here, i know i have the time, but i just so don't do it. i don't really have a good excuse, but i know God knows my heart and that we still have a relationship. growing up, i always thought you had to do everything perfectly to really know and please God, but now i know that being willing and available is good too.

oh ya, another big change has been with honesty. i have been told that i am "one of the most honest people i've ever met" from several people throughout my life. my brother was the same. so was mom. i guess we got it from her. i came to learn that in the transfer of knowledge regarding honesty, i did not receive the concept of "a filter" until much much later. it was when i was 24, i remember learning that you can be honest but you don't need to tell everyone, everything about you. much of this learning was because poor derek spoke to me about it, the victim of my brutal honesty. it was embarrassing in group situations, mostly because it was inappropriate or just "too much information." a friend of mine suggested i learn "responsible honesty." i did, i hope to some degree. the brutal honesty still pops up here and there (like when i was pregnant, overtired, cranky, too giddy, etc.) but i would say that is a MAJOR change to who i am. tact, i have developed some tact :D

another thing that changed would be healing. i had alot of hurts from a young age. i think going to counselling and such really helped but it really wasn't until college that i could look back on my life previous and really take note. i was shocked, angry and hurt. college was a bad year socially. i was a real mess trying to figure things out. like i said earlier, it is with great embarrassment that i think back to anyone who knew me then. it was a strange strange time for me. i only went for one year then i headed to BC to live with my brother. that was the first time i really experienced total freedom and when i really started making some wrong turns for the first time in my overly pious life. thankfully, i was well rooted in my faith and although i wandered for awhile, i did return and get things sorted out with God. and have remained committed to God and my faith since. i have had alot of healing and the bitterness i used to feel is mostly gone. it has been awesome having such a loving man in my life (derek) who says what i need to hear, like leave the past in the past, just like i don't want people to remember me like i was back then, i need to do the same. people change. i know i did.

i better stop on that good note.

ciao

been a long time

2005-12-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

i bet that is one of the most common blog titles, or one of many along that line. i have been blogging about once a week on the salmon speaks but neglecting this one. i've decided that i want to try to write a little more content on both blogs for several reasons:

1. i'm quickly forgetting how to type...its been many a day since i could type 70 wpm!
2. there's more to me than just a snappy photo clicker...i'd like to share a bit of info about me and the family even though a good photo blog says alot too.
3. i'm losing my grasp on the written word too. spelling, grammar, sentence structure, thought process, eep, those are all severely lacking. i think i'm good at the spelling but all the rest are scary. even writing that sentence took several re-do's and ok, i'm just going to abandon ship on that one now. l8r
4. i dont want to lose who i am. i know i've changed sooo much in the past 9.5 months from being diedre's mother. i know i was really different when pregnant at times. i just want to use this blog as a chance to "discover" the new me, or get comfortable with me. i think people can relate to that. wow, so many changes can come during this one amazing, growing, challenging, discovering year. God bless the child. i love her sooo much.

random things

2005-10-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

tagged by michelle

Ten Random Things About Me:
1. i have never broken a bone in my body.
2. i saw my kneecap (it was very pearly white) when i was 16 and skinned my knee down to the bone.
3. i went through a short punk phase where i'd wear my hair in these weird nubby rolls all over my head.
4. i only started snowboarding so i could get to know this guy i had a crush on in grade 10 (and also to make andrew happy).
5. people always tell me i'm 5'9" even though i'm 5'6.5" (people have argued with me about it, and we take out the measuring tape...and i'm still only 5'6.5").
6. i was never afraid to tell people how much i weighed because they would often think i was 20 lbs lighter than i actually was.
7. i used to be really good at math until grade 11 when a bad/mean teacher told me i was stupid and shouldn't be in the contest math class.
8. i like my natural haircolor.
9. i didn't learn to tell time until grade 5 or 6 (i just didn't want to know...i didn't care).
10. i went to the national level for public speaking in French, in grade 7. le concours d'art oratoire (i still have the t shirt).

Nine Places I've Visited:
1. Ottawa, ON
2. Peterborough, ON
3. Toronto, ON
4. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
5. Reno, NV
6. Penticton, BC
7. Seattle, WA
8. Smith Rock, OR
9. Silicon Valley, CA

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. see mike knott in concert!
2. Get a Bachelor's Degree
3. enjoy rockclimbing again
4. Have another baby
5. Become a Grandmother
6. travel
7. go on a real shopping spree
8. be prepared to die

Seven Ways Derek Won (and keeps winning) My Heart:
1. love God and want to live for Him
2. be very patient with me
3. let me know when i do something you don't agree with
4. give me lots of hugs & kisses & verbal affirmation
5. be a good daddy
6. be fun & upbeat
7. be understanding & kind

Six Things I Believe In:
1. the God of the Bible, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit
2. encouraging & bringing out the best in other people
3. a lasting marriage
4. work to live, not live to work
5. Breastfeeding
6. wherever you go, there you are

Five Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. getting into a car accident with diedre on board
2. That diedre will get hurt or sick and I won't be able to help her
3. being all alone in the dark
4. disappointing people
5. death (i'm working on that one, but since having a baby, i don't like to think about it...but i know i should be okay with it...)

Four of My Favorite Things in the Bedroom (no extras in my room yet, we just moved!):
1. bed
2. clothes
3. heat
4. body pillow

Three Things I Do Everyday:
1. say i love you to derek & diedre
2. give hugs & kisses to derek & diedre
3. try to acknowledge God in all things

Two Things I Hate:
1. when the play areas for diedre are dirty from pets (i hate finding animal hair on her cheeks)
2. that i'm too easily insulted. lately i've really been thinking about how much i dont want to pass that on to diedre, its such a burden!

One Person I Want to See Right Now:
1. my mom

i tag my mom

fall

2005-08-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

apparently i've been tagged by leah for saying she's a bad blogger...i think what i actually said was "you're the worst!" but Leah, you'll be glad to know, you are not actually the worst. i think the worst right now would be my friend rose--may 15! was the last post. yada yada busy lives, we've all got busy lives people! its about priorities, and if giving a glance into your life is not a priority...then i guess thats when you become a bad blogger...ok anyway, onto the taggingness

top 10 loves re: fall
1. changing leaves
2. blackberries wrapping up the season
3. long weekends (sep, oct & nov all have statutory holidays--still cool even if i'm on mat leave cuz then derek is around more)
4. wearing sweaters feels cozy
5. rain :S
6. the grass dies :S
7. can't just sit outside on the grass (it might be weepy from the rain) :S
8. house is colder :S
9. husband will want to let the animals sleep inside cuz its getting colder :S
10. have to start making fires again to keep the chill out of the house :S

ok, so i could only think of 4 things i like about fall...and #2 isnt even that good of a thing since i love blackberries. fall just seems to be so much about death. plants die, leaves die, grass dies...then it starts to rain alot. hmmm anyway, i love christmas time and then we're heading back to spring.

feeling quizzical

2005-08-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

theological quiz

2005-08-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavily by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

96%

Neo orthodox

79%

Reformed Evangelical

71%

Fundamentalist

64%

Roman Catholic

54%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

50%

Emergent/Postmodern

43%

Classical Liberal

43%

Modern Liberal

14%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

i guess i better look into what John Wesley and the Methodists have to say...that sounds like a good band name. ha ha

i don't really understand how those percentages breakdown...any ideas? the only thing i can think of is out of the number of questions that could peg me as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan...i responded to 96% of them...

anyhow, i saw this off of pernellog

july 19 - a very special day

2005-07-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

i've been pretty stressed out lately because of all the house stuff...it has not been a simple or straightforward situation in the least. i've spent so much time in the car (and poor diedre in her car seat) and thats added to my stress too. i was really trying to keep a good laissez-faire attitude and trust that things will work out as they should, but i guess my mind did not always have that control to stay cool :)

anyway, we signed our subjects removal at 11.10am. there was a lot going on with this deal and so even though we removed subjects we were not sure it would work out b/c we were past the deadline. the sellers failed to produce a document in time and delayed our final approval so we were not able to sign off last night at midnight...the sellers would not grant us an extension, so we were kind of taking a stab in the dark, to see if they'd still let us buy the house. so our realtor faxed the signed contract at noon and we waited.

i later found out that joanna had her baby around the time we were signing!!! she had a boy, Gabriel (middle names pending) 7lbs 21 inches. i went to see him in the afternoon. he was really cute. looks similar to david did as a baby.

here's joanna yesterday!

at 7.40pm we got the call from our realtor saying he received a signed fax from the sellers accepting our subjects removal. we got the house! how exciting! we take possession sept 24.

i am especially excited about two things:
we get to get rid of our junk.
we get to hang family pictures in a central location rather than in our bedroom (like we have done here b/c of our housemate).

yay!

a new place

2005-07-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

i've been running around like crazy trying to get the details organized for us to buy a house. since derek is working and the sellers only gave us 3 business days to remove subjects, i'm hustling--big time. but it looks like it worked. tomorrow we have a building inspection and then we need to decide if we will take the house. its pretty exciting to be heading in that direction, and scary too of course :)

i never thought the day would come when we could buy a house...well thats not entirely true, i figured the only way we could is if God made it happen b/c we had such debt and seemed like this was so far off. but here we are, it could happen tomorrow. wow

learning curve never stops

2005-07-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

well big life lessons are happening these days. God is showing me what i already know to be true but gap out on frequently: He can be trusted :)

how great to have such a patient God to love and teach me. i want to be like that too. a safe and patient person to trust...for diedre and derek and anyone else in my life.

today was a great day. a family day. a challenging day.

peace

MIT helper

2005-07-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

2 hours til bed

2005-07-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

i have a fairly relaxed style of parenting...diedre is the boss and so i pretty much just respond to her cues. so that means, tonight at 4.30 when she was really fussy and wanted to sleep, i helped her go to sleep. then she woke up by 7.30 and i had to help her go to sleep again for a couple of hours. it was very tiring, my back hurts from bouncing/rocking her...but i don't regret it. i like holding her. she is so precious and so nice to look at. i am planning to try to teach her how to go to bed by herself when she is closer to 6 months old. not far off yet.

i am so insecure sometimes that when people say "oh, you do that??" or if i hear them bad mouth people who have to rock their babies to sleep, i feel bad, like i'm doing something wrong. its amazing how as a new parent, i was totally inexperienced with babies but i had to learn to listen to some people/advice and let other stuff go.

it is the ultimate test for a people pleaser. there will ALWAYS be someone who disagrees or disapproves--and thats exactly what my personality hates. i want everyone to like me, respect me, support me. but it can never be that way. so fending off my inner thoughts and deprecations is totally necessary so i can focus what diedre actually needs from me. i say that diedre is the boss now, and although it can be hard sometimes, i love my new boss, she's the greatest.

peace

its been some time

2005-06-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

A Call to Holy Living
1 peter 1.13 So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the special blessings that will come to you at the return of Jesus Christ. 14 Obey God because you are his children. Don't slip back into your old ways of doing evil; you didn't know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God--who chose you to be his children--is holy. 16For he himself has said, "You must be holy because I am holy."

i've been really struggling with an old issue...that of over eating and body image. i think its really important now that i have a daughter to really get a handle on these things. i want to teach healthy body image and healthy eating. not gorge and guilt. so i asked God to please help me with this. i learned how to eat well and think right about myself and food, now i need help again. thank you that my value is not in these things.

INTRODUCING the salmon speaks

2004-11-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

it is my pleasure to introduce the salmon speaks. I decided to launch http://thesalmon.blogspot.com for several reasons:
1. the name is quicker to spell than "amandajsalmon" & i have been wanting a shorter name for my blog
2. it is more general and apt for derek, so he can proudly share it with his friends too
3. i have a good email address that will help establish the branding of "the salmon" as i spread the word
4. i am anticipating preparing my Christmas letter and it will be great to include the email addy and the url that are both "the salmon"

I will be focusing on updating "thesalmon" from now on so please add it to your list of blogs (i will probably update "amandajsalmon" from time to time, but not necessarily as frequently).

thanks and enjoy

peace.

Miles stands up

2004-11-29T22:32:00.001-08:00

derek helping miles stand..soo cute...i love my nephew and husband! derek's gonna be a great dad.

Babysitting Miles Grey

2004-11-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

I offered to babysit tonight while derek went climbing with the boys...however, the boys were not up to it, so derek came to babysit with me.

derek was so good with miles and was able to calm him down. he would give him to me and then miles would get upset again. eventually miles slept and i held him while he slept until andrew and heather came home.

Michelle, this ones for you!

2004-11-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

a funny thing happened today, it snowed nov 29 04
Well Michelle asked me what winter was like in BC earlier TODAY.

I emailed her and said the weather is fairly warm, doesn't really hang around below zero that much, and it might snow, but don't count on it...

I was going to take a picture of what winter looked like around here because I wrote that its that fall brown colour, kind of been wet and ugly...however, I was proven wrong again. Ok, I know, I'm not in control, I don't know everything! how humbling

Proud Grandma

2004-11-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

kalen & grandma at the shower

Happy Hour

2004-11-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

these girls sure do love babies! here's kristin, rose, miles & joanna at Kalen's baby shower

Kalen's Baby Shower

2004-11-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

heather, miles & mom roy

living room jam time

2004-11-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

derek & shawn & ben are jamming right now as i type. its fun to listen to them. ben is the shredder, shawn's on bass, derek on acoustic. they've gone back and forth between Christmas carol medleys to some of their old hits from back when they used to jam weekly.

i'm waiting to go to a baby shower for my friend Christie...i'm so tired and sore from all the moving i did today. i emptied a huge bookshelf and comandeered a room-switcheroo. marks room is now in the front office area and his former room is our new storage room. it is much more spacious than the last storage room...probably b/c andrew and ben moved the deepfreeze out...andrew apparently looked like a robot from Starwars with a big freezer on his head, covering his body with only legs sticking out--said ben (rob, trivia question for you maybe? do you know what creature that would be?).

it will be interesting go to hang out with all girls (except for babies) after being the foreman (woman) to the guys all afternoon today.

anyway, another page in my nesting diary for the arrival of our new little one. I have two count downs on my whiteboard at work: one for baby, one for Christmas, since i'm not at work today: 2 months 27 days til baby's due date & 28 days til Christmas...YAY to both.

ciao

benjammin'

2004-11-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

chillaxin' after a hard afternoon of worky work

blond ben

2004-11-27T18:05:00.000-08:00

here's ben taking his break too from moving stuff to the garage and between rooms in the house. Derek and Shawn went to get the doghouse for Sparky from Leah's parents house and i was the boss lady for andrew and ben...poor guys.

apparently i'm a slave driver

2004-11-27T18:00:00.000-08:00

derek and i enlisted some friends and brother andrew to help us out doing some rearranging of our house as we found out that Mark (housemate) most likely wont be back until MARCH...wow. anyway, andrew kept asking for his "15" so here he is taking a break
thanks for the help androoo

27 weeks Pregnant...13 to go!

2004-11-25T22:06:00.000-08:00

things are going well. the baby is moving around alot and i'm really enjoying being pregnant. i think my excitement has increased now that i have entering the final trimester...wow, i can't believe its been six months already :)

i worked from home this afternoon and it went really well. Sparky played outside in the fenced yard (thanks to Derek for finishing the gate) and he seemed to really enjoy himself--chasing squirrels and when Westley came around they chased each other. it was really good to see him having such a fun time in the yard.

Derek and I went Christmas shopping tonight. I'm excited about going to Ontario and visiting family and friends. I sure hope it works out to see Michelle and her family when we're there.

peace

validation

2004-11-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

sometimes its just nice to know that i belong somewhere, that the way i perceive society is common amongst my generation. i ran across this:

Baby Boomers believed in big dreams, reaching for the stars, personal freedom, "be all that you can be." Today's generation believes in small actions, getting your head out of the clouds, social obligation, "do your part."

A Baby Boomer anchored his or her identity in their career. The emerging generation sees his or her job only as a job.

Baby Boomers were diplomatic and sought the approval of others. The emerging generation feels it's more honest to be blunt, and they really don't care if you approve or not.

Boomers were driven, self-reliant and impressed by authority. Emergents are laid back, believe in working as a team, and have less confidence in "the boss."

Idealistic Boomers had an abundance mentality, believed in a better world, and were opulent in their spending. Emergents see scarcity, believe in doing what it takes to survive, and are more fiscally conservative.

Based solely on the core values of the emerging generation, here's what I believe we can expect to see beginning to happen during the next 3 to 4 years:

A decline among prestige brands such as Rolex, Harley-Davidson and Gucci.
The end of "upwardly mobile" as a slang expression.
A decline in the effectiveness of traditional advertising.
Comparison-shopping to be done increasingly online, though purchasing will remain in brick-and-mortar stores in many product categories.
An increase in volunteerism and donor support to socially responsible organizations.
An increase in the popularity of labor unions.
A decrease in the divorce rate as couples become increasingly committed to family unity and fall less under the spell of idealistic "true love." In other words, we're learning not to have unrealistic expectations of our mates. (Really? Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella were fairy tales…?)

Read Article: marketing in 2005 and beyond

it even ends on a cheery note.

3 months til Baby Salmon's Due Date!

2004-11-24T17:05:00.000-08:00

Wow, only three months to go until February 24th, 2005. Thats pretty crazy in my opinion. I am definitely getting more and more excited about it.

Lots of people at work have been asking when i'm going on mat leave, but i don't know yet...i'm told i have to give one months notice, so i guess I'll wait until January to decide for sure.

Yesterday I was trying out a prenatal aerobics video...there were some moves that were supposed to be graceful ballerina moves but it reminded me of the dancing hippos from Fantasia...

anyway, i'm feeling alot better from my head cold today...i'd say i'm 90% better, I have a cough but my mind is fairly clear now.

ciao

today i changed my blog title

2004-11-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

i changed my blog title and wanted to reference another one of Mike Knott's songs Super Girl

i'm not saying i'm super girl but i figure since i've been feeling sick (bad bad head/throat/chest cold) and that i've been struggling at having or keeping a good attitude that i would give myself a little help...i can be super duper and super fantastic!

peace
all i want is a little peace
for me and baby
i feel better having said that
i think i'm relatively good at keeping peace
internally
but sometimes i feel like i cant cope
i want to run away and not talk anymore
but today
peace

David & Joanna & ??

2004-11-19T22:37:00.001-08:00

congratulations David you're gonna be a brother!

Brent & Kristin

2004-11-19T22:37:00.000-08:00

brent & kristin enjoying a little Hayden at BenG's birthday party (27 years old) at the Hetzlers in Mission

andrew & s miles

2004-11-19T22:36:00.000-08:00

here is andrew getting smiles out of miles soo cute

i feel like Turducken tonight!

2004-11-19T17:23:00.000-08:00

Turducken: a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey

ohmigoodness thats craziness!

Here's a recipe for Turducken

Week 26 belly

2004-11-18T22:03:00.000-08:00

my belly is getting bigger...week 26, 14 weeks to go! crazy...i know this picture doesn't really show my belly, but it is bigger. We had a doctor's appointment this week and i'm measuring 27 cm which is right on target...baby is about 2lbs now and just over 1 foot long. wow!

High Speed Internet & our Livingroom

2004-11-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

on monday our good friend craig came by to wait for the shaw guy to come and install high speed internet. so on sunday night we moved the computer desk and set it up in living room. i think it looks so great with our new flooring (thanks again richard, guy, derek and bruce!).

Other corner of the livingroom

2004-11-16T21:25:00.000-08:00

our cute chairs from mom roy